Joke Of The Week.

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “Okay , but don’t go in that field over there…..”, as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, ” Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear…….do you understand ?!!”

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs….. (I just love this part…..) “Your badge, show him your BADGE……… ! !”

Zipper's

16 Responses to “Joke Of The Week.”


  1. 1 Doug Sep 29th, 2011 at 7:54 am

    My girlfriend had crabs…..so I bought her fishnet stockings!

  2. 2 fuji Sep 29th, 2011 at 8:55 am

    Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.

    The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?” “Eight,” the boy replied.

    The man continued, “Do you know how these are used?” The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me.

    They are for my brother; he’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.

    He can’t do either one.”

    OK Texas boy bring-em on. LOL

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  3. 3 fuji Sep 29th, 2011 at 9:21 am

    One day a blonde walks into Harley store .

    She looks around to see if she can find the perfect bike for herself.

    She finds a beautiful bike with lots of chrome and custom paint, but as she bends over to feel it she lets out a fart!

    She looks around to see if anyone noticed, but as she turns she sees the sales guy is behind her so she asked him “How much is this bike”

    He replies back “Miss, If you farted just by touching the chrome and paint you’re going to shit yourself when you hear the price!”

  4. 4 Kroeter Sep 29th, 2011 at 10:22 am

    Three old nuns passed away recently, and they went to heaven. Of course, St. Peter met them at the Pearly Gates. He instructed them that in order to pass through the gates they each had to answer a simple question to demonstrate knowledge of their faith.

    To the first nun, he asked, “Who was the man who built a boat and stayed afloat for 40 days?”

    The nun answer, “Noah”. Suddenly she heard the heavenly chime of a bell and the gates opened. “You’re in!” said St. Peter and she passed through to the other side.

    To the second nun he asked, “Who was the man who parted the sea to escape the Egyptians?”

    The second nun answered, “Moses”. Ding, “You’re in!” And she passed through.

    To the third nun St. Peter asked, “What was the first thing Eve ever said to Adam?”

    The third nun thought for awhile. Then she thought some more. Getting a little worried she had to admit, “Gee, that’s a hard one. . .”

    Ding. “You’re in!”

  5. 5 Jeff Nicklus Sep 29th, 2011 at 10:56 am

    In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car. The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”

    Charlie replied, “Driving to Chicago!”

    The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

    The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, “Well Charlie, how are you doing?”

    Charlie says, “I just got into Chicago.”

    “Great,” replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself. Shocked, she asks, “Bob, what are you doing?”

    Bob says, “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  6. 6 Jeff Nicklus Sep 29th, 2011 at 11:00 am

    President Obama was interviewing for new accountants to handle the books for his Obamacare scheme.

    Barack asked the first applicant, “What does one plus one equal?” The accountant was escorted out of the White House after answering, “Two.”

    Barack then asked the next applicant, “What does one plus one equal?”

    That one answered, “What do you want it to equal?”

    Obama promptly replied, “You’ve got the job.”

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  7. 7 Jeff Nicklus Sep 29th, 2011 at 11:04 am

    As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”

    She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

    A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  8. 8 fuji Sep 29th, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    last one.

    A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

    She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.” “That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”

    “No,” she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself.

    It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men.

    Therefore I chose “Carmen”.

    “What’s your name?” she asked.

    He answered

    “B.J. Titsengolf.”

    The end, Odios

    Fuji

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  9. 9 Jeff Nicklus Sep 29th, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    The queen of England was visiting one of Canada’s top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

    “Oh my god!”, said the Queen, “That’s disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???”

    The doctor leading the tour explains, “I’m sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn’t do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly.”

    “Oh, I am sorry” said the Queen.

    On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

    “Oh my God”, said the Queen, “What’s happening in there?”

    The Doctor replied, “Same problem, better health plan.”

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  10. 10 Olive Oil Sep 30th, 2011 at 10:44 am

    Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair,
    and loved to charge around the nursing home,
    taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

    Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

    One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
    ‘STOP!,’ he shouted in a firm voice.
    ‘Have you got a license for that thing?’
    Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
    ‘OK’ he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

    As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel,
    weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted ‘STOP!
    Have you got proof of insurance?’
    Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster
    and held it up to him.
    Harold nodded and said ‘On your way, Ma’am.’

    As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his ‘You-Know- What’ in his hand.

    ‘Oh, good grief,’ yelled Ethel, ‘Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!’

  11. 11 Red Dog Sep 30th, 2011 at 7:47 pm

    What’s the difference between Ignorance and Indifference? …….I don’t know and I don’t care….

  12. 12 Red Dog Sep 30th, 2011 at 7:56 pm

    What’s the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? A rooster clucks defiance……….What’s the difference between a circus and a strip joint? A circus is a cunning display of stunts….What’s the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer? …A prostitute gets to wash her crack and sell it over and over again. OK I’m done.

  13. 13 nicker Oct 1st, 2011 at 10:41 pm

    A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I’ve been invited to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends to go fishing, for the long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a three-day weekend. And also, would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We’re leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I’ll swing by the house to pick-up my things. Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas. ”

    The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

    Following the long weekend he returns home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
    He says, ” Yes! Lots of walleyes, some bass, and a few pike.”But”, he said, “why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas, like I asked you to do?

    The wife replies, “I did, they’re in your tackle box”.

    -nicker-

  14. 14 Jeff Nicklus Oct 3rd, 2011 at 10:39 am

    My daughter just walked into the living room and said “Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.” Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.

    Well, she didn’t put it quite like that… she actually said was…

    “Dad I have decided to work for Obama’s reelection campaign.”

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  15. 15 Jeff Nicklus Oct 4th, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales.

    Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, “I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.”

    Ben, from Idaho , couldn’t stand to be bested. “That’s nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn’t even get a belly ache.”

    Old Snake River Frank, the cowboy from Texas , remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  16. 16 Fredp Oct 4th, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    A story of Morals:

    An old jewish guy and an old friend of his from Czechovakia came to the USA to try hunting deer. While in the woods, a grizzlie jumped out and attacked the Czech. His friend the jew, could not help him and ran out of the woods for help. The jew found a Forest Ranger and both ran back to the scene of the attack.
    Not finding the Czech, but some scraps of clothing, the ranger told the Jew that possibly the bear may be down by the lake drinking after the attack.
    Sure enough, the bear was there, but also another bear alongside. The ranger asked the jew if the female or the male bear had attack. He said Mr. Ranger, I don’t know, it all happened so fast, but if I was to say, the male bear because he was probably the meaner of the two.
    So the Ranger took out his gun, shot the male and the female ran off. They both ran down to the lake, cut the bear open and alas, no czech in the bear! The ranger was furious with the jewish guy. The ranger walked off and was done for the day.

    The moral of the story? NEVER believe a jew when he says the Czech is in the male!

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