Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, ‘Why the spoon?’ ‘Well, ‘he explained,’the restaurant’s owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.’
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. ‘I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.’ I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, ‘Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?’ “Oh, certainly!’ Then he lowered his voice. ‘Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.’ By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, ‘After you get it out, how do you put it back?’ ‘Well,’ he whispered, ‘I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.’
Too funny!
I’m slow. Didn’t see that one coming.
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one
afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
“Yaw know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a
vacation. Only this year I’m gonna Do it different. The last few years, I
took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to
Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got
Pregnant. Then two years ago, you
told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene
Got pregnant again. Last year you
suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene
Didn’t get pregnant again.”
Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you
gonna do this year that’s different?”
“I’m taking Earlene with me”.
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No,” said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice..
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No way!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied…………
“Go look in the garage,”
A grade school teacher in Pennsylvania asked her students to use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence
Molly put up her hand and said, ‘My family went to my grandad’s farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.
The teacher said, ‘That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate, not fascinating’.
Sally raised her hand. She said, ‘My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.’
The teacher said, ‘Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burnt by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.
Johnny said, ‘My aunt Gloria has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.’
The teacher sat down and cried.
• Honey, are you sure you have enough beer for tonight?
• I love you working on the bike on Saturdays, we should do it together on Sundays?
• Honey, I have decided to walk naked at home.
• You are so sexy when you are hungry!
• Sweetheart, what kind of brakes do you want me to buy for the bike?
• Do you mind if we watch the game together tonight and finish a dozen of beers?
• I am going to wash the bike!
• No, No, No. I am changing the motor oil this time.
• Forget about St Valentine we can go for a bike show instead.
• Your mother is so much better than me.
• That’s enough! I don’t wanna go for shopping anymore. We better stay home, rent some hot movies and ….I can invite my girlfriend to join us.
• Listen, a new striptease bar just opened across the street. Why don’t we go and take a look?
• Honey, I just enrolled myself in yoga classes to learn how to put my legs behind my neck. Only for you sweetheart.
A little girl is eating a Hostess Twinkie while she is waiting her turn in the barber’s chair. When it’s time to get her hair cut, the Twinkie is only half gone.
The barber says, ‘Little girl, you know that you’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie’.
The little girl responds, ‘Yeah, and mommy says that I’m gonna grow tits, too!’
A rich banker was driving home in his limo and he sees a homeless man on the side of the road eating grass, so he tells his driver to stop and he opens up the door and asks the man what he is doing and the man says he’s eating grass because he’s hungry. The banker invites him to come home with him for dinner so the man gets in and they start to pull away and there is a woman eating grass also and the homeless man says that is his wife and she is hungry too so the banker tells her to get in as well. They drive around the corner and there is another man eating grass and the banker says “I suppose that guy is a relative of yours as well” and the man says “no he’s just hungry like us”, So the banker says “hell go ahead and tell him to get in too– I have a big yard!