Joke Of The Week

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer, you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?” Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here.” Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.” Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

Zipper's

9 Responses to “Joke Of The Week”


  1. 1 J.grif Oct 12th, 2017 at 11:02 am

    Well played!

  2. 2 Tom Ryan Oct 12th, 2017 at 1:12 pm

    The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

    For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!” The man said, “You can’t be serious, I could never shoot my wife,” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for the job. Take your wife and go home.”

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

    Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after the another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman wiping the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks,” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

    MORAL: Women are evil. Don’t mess with them!

  3. 3 Zundap Oct 13th, 2017 at 9:21 am

    Excellent!

  4. 4 Blast Oct 13th, 2017 at 11:49 am

    Outstanding. If it’s got wheels or tits it’s gonna give you problems.

  5. 5 Tom Ryan Oct 13th, 2017 at 12:36 pm

    ONIONS AND CHRISTMAS TREES

    A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?”

    The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”

    “Onions?”

    “Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

    This infuriated the wife and daughter, so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of penises are there?”

    The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

    “A Christmas tree?”

    “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are there for decoration only!”

    THE NEW PRIEST

    The new priest was so nervous during his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said next Sunday put some vodka in the water pitcher, after a few sips, everything would go smoothly.

    The next Sunday, the new priest put the suggestion into place and he was able to talk up a storm. He felt just great! However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor.

    1) Next time, sip rather than gulp the vodka.

    2) There are 10 Commandments not 12.

    3) There are 12 Disciples not 10.

    4) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”.

    5) We recommend grace before meals and not “Rub-A-Dub-Dub-Thanks For The Grub”.

    6) David slew Goliath, he didn’t kick the shit out of him.

    7) We do not refer to our savior, Jesus Christ and his Disciples as “JC and the Boys”.

    8) The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as “The Brother, Junior and The Spook”.

    9) It is always “The Virgin Mary”, not “Mary With The Cherry”.

    10) And last but not least, next Wednesday, there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

  6. 6 Ghost of HST Oct 20th, 2017 at 8:25 am

    Cyril’s offering is good but on both counts Tom Ryan wins the JotW contest hands down !

  7. 7 Ghost of HST Oct 20th, 2017 at 9:22 am

    An old priest and a young priest go duck hunting . After sitting in the blind for an hour or so a flock of ducks finally flies overhead with the old priest jumping up emptying both barrels missing both shots and exclaiming – ” Damn ! ” The young priest taken back by the older priest’s use of profanity says ” Father . Shouldn’t we as priests be setting a better example ? ” The old priest thinks and replies ” Yes son we should . I’ll be more careful ”

    Well , sure enough a half an out later another flock of ducks flies over them with once again the old priest emptying both barrels missing both shots once again yelling ” Damn ! ” After which the young priest say ” Father . You promised you’d be more careful with your language “. The old priest then says ” You’re right my son . And may God strike me down with lightening if I do that again ”

    Well , as you can probably guess , an hour or so later another flock of ducks flies over , the old priest once again emptying both barrels missing both shots and once again yelling ” Damn ! ”

    Suddenly the skies darken —- Thunder roars in the distance rapidly approaching . Out of the ink black storm clouds a lightening bolt comes flying down from the heavens ——– killing the young priest —— followed by a majestic booming loud voice coming from above yelling —— ” Damn ! “

  8. 8 Tom Ryan Oct 20th, 2017 at 1:15 pm

    Thanks Ghost of HST, here are a couple more for you.

    NEVER LEAVE YOUR NUTS ALONE

    A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a Yankees baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, ‘UP NUTS’, and the patients complied by standing up.

    After the anthem, he yelled ‘DOWN NUTS’, and they all sat down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, ‘ CHEER NUTS’. They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the doctor yelled ‘BOO NUTS’ and they all started booing and cat calling.

    Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, ‘What the hell happened here?’

    The assistant replied, ‘Well, everything was going fine until this guy walked by and yelled, ‘PEANUTS!’

    *************************************************

    Harold walks into the bar, sits down, and starts drinking whiskey and beer at a fast rate. After an hour he’s really pissed and heads over to the washroom to relieve himself.

    A couple of minutes later a low moan can be heard coming from the washroom. The bartender glances over to the washroom and just continues cleaning the whiskey glasses.

    Suddenly a blood curdling scream can be heard coming from the washroom. The bartender rushes over, pushes open the door and yells, ‘What’s all the screaming about?’

    Harold is sitting there in the open and replies, ‘Every time I try to flush the toilet my BALLS hurt like hell!’

    The bartender looks on in amazement, shakes his head, and says, ‘Harold, you stupid drunk bastard, you’re sitting on the mop bucket!’

  9. 9 bigitch Oct 21st, 2017 at 10:24 pm

    A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a TRUMP for President button, and two beers in front of him.

    He does not have to be an Einstein, to know that this guy, is a Republican.

    So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican.”

    Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, “Thank you!” in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss.

    The union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, “Thank you!”

    The union boss once again, loudly orders drinks for, everyone except the Republican.

    As before, this STILL doesn’t seem to bother the Republican who continues to smile, and again yells, “Thank you!”

    The union boss asks the bartender, “What the hell is the matter, with that Republican? I have ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does, is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?”

    “Nope,” replies the bartender. “He owns the place.”

Leave a Reply

Please avoid offensive, vulgar, or hateful language. Respect others. See the Terms Of Service for details.



S&S
S&S
S&S
Thrifty Rent-A-Car System, Inc.
Affliction Holdings, LLC

Socialize

Facebook Google+ Twitter