Joke Of The Week. It’s Hell Getting Old…

joke11212[1]An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physicalexam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared  at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained…

‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.  ‘Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. ‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between  her knees, but still nothing.’

The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbor?’ The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the friggin’ jar open’ (sent by Troy)

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15 Responses to “Joke Of The Week. It’s Hell Getting Old…”


  1. 1 dmitriy Feb 26th, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
    Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’

    With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
    with trembling hands and read the letter.

    Dear Dad:

    It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

    I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

    But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’ s not only the passion…Dad, she’s pregnant.

    Stacy said that we will be very happy.

    She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

    Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.
    We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

    In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
    Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

    Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

    Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
    get to know your grandchildren.

    Love, Your Son John

    PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house.

    I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my center desk drawer.

    I love you.
    Call me when it’s safe to come home.

  2. 2 fuji Feb 26th, 2010 at 8:20 pm

    Texas quick draw beat me again.
    Jeff ON MATH
    A teacher asks her class, ‘If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?’
    She calls on little Jeff.
    He replies, ‘None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.’
    The teacher replies,
    ‘The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking…’

    Then little Jeff says,
    ‘I have a question for YOU.
    There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
    One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
    The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
    The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
    Which one is married?’
    The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ‘Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.’

    To which Little Jeff replied, ‘The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking.’

  3. 3 nicker Feb 27th, 2010 at 12:50 am

    A little girl and her Gandmother step into the hospital to visit the Grandfather.
    The little girl races ahead and zips into the Grandfather’s room.

    “Grandpa, Grandpa!! You gotta make a sound like a frog when Grandma comes in, PLEASE! Ya gotta make a frog sound as soon as she comes in!”

    Grandpa asks her ; “Why do i have to sound like a frog…?”

    The littel gril replies; “Grandma says as soon as yo croak we’re all going to Disneyland”

    -nicker-

  4. 4 Jeff Nicklus Feb 27th, 2010 at 4:07 pm

    Cyril is no doubt out of town …. someone took my joke down but I won’t name her!

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  5. 5 ian Feb 28th, 2010 at 7:18 am

    it was removed because it wasn’t a joke

  6. 6 Jeff Nicklus Feb 28th, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    ian,

    OMG, LOL!!!!

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  7. 7 Troy Mar 1st, 2010 at 10:17 am

    IF TIGER HAD ANY BALLS, THIS IS WHAT HE SHOULD’VE SAID…!

    To my wife, I’m sorry. I fucked up, but I’m not changing so you’ll either need to put up with this shit or I’ll send you the check I agreed to in the pre-nup….sorry.

    To my fans, get over it. Where I stick my dick is none of your business. If you care….tough! I don’t need any of you in order to make ten times in one year what you’ll make in a career. I promise to continue to hit 4-irons from 210 yards to within 10′ of the hole and drop putts that you couldn’t read in a million years. If that’s not good enough for you, go watch tennis.

    To the media. You cocksuckers are the only ones more two-faced than I am. Kissing my ass for all those years and then ripping me a new one every chance you’ve had since Thanksgiving. Fuck all of you! I’m glad I don’t have to take the time to sit and answer the same bullshit questions over and over again.

    To all you other golfers. You can also kiss my ass! You motherfuckers come out ripping me when I’ve put more fucking money in your pockets than you could count. You think anyone’s been paying to see Jesper-fucking-Parnavik? Give me a fucking break. I’m almost tempted to give up golf just to punish you guys, but I think it’s going to be more fun to practice for the next few weeks and get back to making you all my bitches.

    That’s all I got today folks…..see ya at Augusta! ….Oh, and Bambi, if you’re listening I’ll meet you at the Ritz in 45-minutes.

  8. 8 Jeff Nicklus Mar 2nd, 2010 at 10:28 am

    Let’s Offend Everybody!

    Q. What’s the Cuban NationalAnthem?

    A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

    Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

    A. A different bar.

    Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?

    A. Sum Ting Wong.

    Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

    A. A speech impediment.

    Q. Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?

    A. Because they’re not going to work in the future either.

    Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

    A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

    Q. What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

    A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

    Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the ‘F’ word?

    A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, ‘BINGO!’

    Q. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???

    A. A northern fairytale begins…’Once upon a time…’

    A southern fairytale begins…. ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit.’

    Q. Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?

    A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  9. 9 Jeff Nicklus Mar 2nd, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose,
    still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure

    A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

    Nurse,’ he mumbles, from behind the mask ‘Are my testicles black?’

    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies ‘I don’t know,Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body.’

    He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, are my testicles black?’

    Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his
    penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

    Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘No sir, they aren’t and I assure you, there’s nothing wrong
    with them, Sir !!’

    The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, ‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely……

    ‘ A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s -b a c k ?’

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  10. 10 fuji Mar 2nd, 2010 at 10:00 pm

    Jeff Nicklus .

    I didn’t see anything derogatory about Japanese people, we feel left out.

    You no like flied lice. Must go now Jeffson going to Daytona at sunrise to burn some rice and freeze my ass off and buy t-shirts from people with makeup on their forheads.

  11. 11 Jeff Nicklus Mar 3rd, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    GOOD NEWS FROM KANSAS

    The Wizard of Oz is 70 years old.

    Today, if Dorothy were to encounter people with no brains, no hearts, and no courage – She wouldn’t be in Oz –

    She’d be in Congress!

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

    PS: fuji, Please see the Chinese portion of the layout for info …. Chinese, Japanize … same thing …. no?

  12. 12 Sam D Mar 3rd, 2010 at 10:48 pm

    A woman on hormone medication calls her doctor to complain about hair growing on her chest.
    In the examination room she begins to unbutton her blouse, as each button goes pop it reveals more and more hair, the Doc says “How far down does that go?” “to my dick, and thats the other thing I want to talk to you about”

  13. 13 Jeff Nicklus Mar 4th, 2010 at 11:08 am

    Did you get yours?

    Just wanted to let you everyone know – today I received my stimulus package for 2010.

    It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, and 10 coupons to KFC.

    The directions were in Spanish.

    Hope you get yours soon!

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  14. 14 papamike69 Mar 5th, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    My brother in-law stopped by the other day to show me his new tattoo. The tattoo was of a 12” rooster with noose around its neck just below his right knee.

    I asked him why he had decided on a 12” rooster with a noose around its neck, and why below his knee? He answered. It is so I can tell all the ladies I have 12” cock that hangs below my knees.

    With that I ask him if I had ever told him about my tattoo. Well no he replied. So I did. I told him I have a dragon tattooed on the bottom of my left foot. Puzzled, he inquired why do you have a tattoo of a dragon on the bottom of my left foot?

    Well its simple I said. It’s so I can tell all of the ladies I have one dragon on the ground.

    papamike69

  15. 15 Rick Oct 29th, 2010 at 6:20 pm

    Jeff, you rock!!

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