A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher says, “Okay , but don’t go in that field over there,” as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, ” Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever the hell I wish…. On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? “
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull……With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the DEA agent at the top of his lungs…. “Your BADGE. Show him your BADGE !” (Sent by Troy)
Good one, Cyrill.
A guy walks into a bar in Georgia and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks at him.
The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?
Where ya from, boy?”
The guy says, “I’m from Minnesota.”
The bartender asks, “What the heck you do in Minnesota?”
The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The bartender asks, “A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?”
The guy says nervously, “I mount animals.”
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!”
Over & Out,
Jeff
and the big Santa Gertrudis bull was snorting “Baw-geez? Baw-geez! i don’t care about no stink’n Baw-geez!!!!”
When I was a boy, my momma would send me to the corner store with a One dollar.
I would come home with.
A bag of potatoes,
2 loafs of bread
3 bottles of milk
A hunk of cheese
A box of tea.
And six eggs
[ You cant do that now ! ]
Too many damn security cameras
Speaking of taxidermists;
A taxidermist and veterinarian decided to power-partner their individual efforts.
On opening their new endeavor they hung out their sign, which read:
Smith & Jones
Taxidermy-Veterinary
“Either Way You Get Your Cat Back”
-nicker-
What’s invisible ‘an smells like carrots? BUNNY FARTS!! YUK-YUK!! Wiz
Marriage is like a 3-Ring circus. First there’s the engagement ring, then there’s the wedding ring, and then there’s the suffering!!!!
That’s the best!
Whats the difference between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish it dies!
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex … She spent the next
hour just rubbing his testicles …
Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
“Why do you love doing that?”
Because … She Replied …
“I Really Miss Mine”
-nicker-
anyone know why santa is really so jolly ? lol he know’s where all the naughty girls live
Dear Abby,
My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He wants to pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.
Also, he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them don’t respect us and no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.
Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Muslims, the next with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ.
Finally, the last straw. He’s demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It’s just so horribly creepy! Can you help?
(Signed) Lost in DC
Dear Lost,
Stop whining, Michelle. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with that asshole for two more years!
Over & Out,
Jeff
No Speakah De English…
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first. Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.
The lady can’t take this any more, You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig, she retorted indignantly!
In this country we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!
Hey, coola down lady, said the man. Who talkin’ abouta sex?
I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell ‘ Mississippi ‘!
Jeff; Thanks for the laugh. I almost fell out of my chair this morning. By the way I enjoyed having you and the wife at my shop. Hope you and the family have a great Christmas and an even better new year.
JMO,
Thanks for taking the time to spend with my wife and I, we had a great time. It is always a pleasure to see you and your wonderful family. I wish you and yours a great Christmas Holiday Season. Talk to you soon.
Over & Out,
Jeff
On a bitterly cold winter’s morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through.”
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.”
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park…….” Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?”
Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied “Why don’t you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?”
Luwigi and Maria were at the mall an’ she says “Luwigi, you stay close so I don’t lose you”, but sure enough in a short time he is gone. Maria goes from store to store asking if they saw a little Italian guy go through. Finally one storekeeper says ” Yeah, I saw him go through here lickety-split.” “Oh no”, Maria replys, “Luwigi might kissa the face and squeeza the tit, but he never licketa the split!” YUK-YUK!! Wiz
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote Colorado pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re an aide in the Obama Administration”, says Bud.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.!
Over & Out,
Jeff