Motorcycle Tool Guide. Updated.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh sh–!’
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. 
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. 
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. 
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. 
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. 
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. 
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. 
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. 
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. 
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. 
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. 
SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a BITCH!’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

16 Responses to “Motorcycle Tool Guide. Updated.”

  1. 1 Jeff Nicklus Dec 14th, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    How true it is!

    Over & Out,


  2. 2 Dale Dec 14th, 2010 at 9:51 pm

    I have used the SOB tool often — too often!!

  3. 3 broadwaylee Dec 15th, 2010 at 7:10 am

    something we can all agree and smile about is a good thing

  4. 4 Darin Maltsberger - Instructor @MTI Dec 15th, 2010 at 8:54 am

    Thanks for the laugh……..will share it with the students at their 9AM lecture.

    While studying “Torque and Harware” my young genlemen were exposed to some new terminology that we old timers have experienced:
    “E-Tight” – The point at which you stop tightening a bolt or screw because you know it is about to twist off.
    ” E Tight + 1/4 Turn” -The point at which the above fastener twists off.

    ” Blind Hole” – What you get when you break the screw extractor off in the drilled out , broken off fastener.

    Thanks again.

  5. 5 Wiz Dec 15th, 2010 at 9:57 am

    I remember one time being drunk ‘an working on my ol’ Lady’s trike with a hammer, got pissed ‘an raised that striking tool high above my head ‘an swung. At least I wasn’t that blitzed to hit the tank [that would leave a mark] so I hit the rear tire. Well, that big ‘ol hunk ‘o steel bounced back ‘an damn near cold-cocked me in the noggin. Ever since then I keep a bottle of Jack Daniels in the shop ‘an hit that instead! Wiz

  6. 6 Larry R Dec 15th, 2010 at 10:03 am

    Absolutely deserves an Amen. Thanks Cyril.

  7. 7 B'COOL Products Dec 15th, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    I don’t know about a Son of a Bitch tool but I have a bunch of “F***” tools. LOL!

  8. 8 martin Twofeather Dec 15th, 2010 at 2:18 pm

    excellent job Cyril

  9. 9 mack Dec 15th, 2010 at 4:06 pm

    made my day ,,,,,lifes too short to .sweat the small stiuff … thanks i needed that ha!

  10. 10 KingOfToys Dec 15th, 2010 at 11:28 pm

    You omitted the “Cheap pack-o-wrenchs” that were given as a gift to you cause they will fit in the corner of the tour pack & stay together in their little tin clip.

    Designed to relieve the excess blood in your knuckles (or your face after you bounce it off the cylinder fins) once the wrench rounds out or breaks.

    Each of those Dollar Store wrenches have a second life as a means of relieving frustration while being whipped as far as you can throw it after it breaks. Only to be picked up in the mower blades the next time you’re doing yard work & tossed as a projectile thru the garage door into the side of the fuel tank on your scooter.

  11. 11 Quint w/ Dec 17th, 2010 at 1:40 am

    Hey, I resemble that remark! Thanks Cyril, I actually laughed out loud.

  12. 12 RDJMP Dec 18th, 2010 at 11:38 pm

    I see you left out Torque Wrench, which according to my technique is unnecessary anyway…
    “Tighten until screw or bolt breaks then back off 1/8 turn”

    I also learned recently that Crescent Wrenches were apparently named for the smooth arc or crescent-shaped gouges they impart to surfaces just below the bolt or nut you should have been using the correct other tool on in the first place.

  13. 13 Ritchie Dec 19th, 2010 at 8:40 pm

    laughed out loud ! And my woman did also! Though I also seem to have a F*** wrench too! Merry Christmas to all

  14. 14 live2rideaglide Dec 22nd, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    Hey Cyril , This is a hoot. Laughed so hard I spotted. ( I wasnt supposed to tell that ). I have experienced all of those special tools. I recently put on my welding helmet for the first time after a six month layoff , only to find that said helmet made an excellent nursery for about a million nano-sized spider hatchlings. Has anyone cut a piece of metal with a torch and after being distracted by something else forget which end you just cut off? I have found on several occasions that my recollection of which end I had just heated to 1500 degrees was almost, instantaneous. On all these occasions I immediately look around to see if anyone has witnessed my folly , even though I am working alone in my basement . It would seem that in my mind , dignity always trumps personal safety or even excessive blood loss. I agree with broadwaylee , I like posts like this where
    we can all get along and nobody is calling someone else a @4%&^+%$#&^@*&^%$#!@ . Thanks Cyril for the belly jiggle. Merry Christmas everyone.

  15. 15 dragon Dec 30th, 2010 at 7:57 am

    good one

  1. 1 Tweets that mention Motorcycle Tool Guide. Updated. at Cyril Huze Blog – Custom Motorcycle News -- Pingback on Dec 14th, 2010 at 7:06 pm
Comments are currently closed.
Cyril Huze