Joke Of The week

Three friends die in a car accident. They go to an orientation in heaven. They are asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and father.” The second man says, “I would like to hear them say I was a great family man and school teacher.” The last man says, “I would like to hear them say.”Look, he’s moving!” (sent by Rodent)

16 Responses to “Joke Of The week”

  1. 1 Wiz Jan 12th, 2011 at 9:07 am

    If Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Elvis, ‘an John Lennon were alive right now ya know what they would be doin’? SRATCHING THE INSIDE OF THEIR COFFINS!!! YUK-YUK!!! Wiz

  2. 2 fuji Jan 12th, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the biker and asked, “Are you a real biker?” He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy’s Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I’ve been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker.”

    She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women.” Then she got up and left.

    The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, “Are you a real biker?”

    He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”

  3. 3 nicker Jan 12th, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    Retirement is like College in slow motion.


  4. 4 fuji Jan 12th, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    Three Bikers, a Honda Rider, a BMW Rider and a Harley Rider were sitting in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a continuing beeping sound.
    The Honda Rider pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my pager, “he said, “I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm.”
    A few minutes later a phone rang.
    The BMW Rider lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand.”
    The Harley Rider felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt.
    The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

    The Harley Rider finally declared… “Well, will you look at that, I’m getting a fax!”

  5. 5 fredp Jan 12th, 2011 at 11:34 pm

    Sex after Death

    A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
    inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that
    there was no afterlife at all.
    After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his
    word, he made the first contact: “Marion .. Marion.”
    “Is that you, Bob?”
    “Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
    “That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”
    “Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and
    then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun
    and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you’d be
    proud- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then
    pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back
    to golf course again. Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch
    some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”
    “Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?”
    “No. I’m a rabbit in Arizona.”

  6. 6 Jeff Nicklus Jan 13th, 2011 at 12:22 pm


    On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

    The supermarket manager’s daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

    The florist’s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

    The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

    Then the liquor-store owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

    “Is it wine?” she guessed.

    “No,” the boy replied.

    She tasted another drop and asked, ” Champagne ?

    “No,” said the little boy…………..”It’s a puppy!”

    Over & Out,


  7. 7 Delski Jan 13th, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    A Marines sargent was going over his shots and kills,

    Monday 12 shots 12 dead
    Tues 12 shots 12 dead
    Wen 12 shots 12 dead
    Thur 12 shots 12 dead
    Friday 0 shot 0 dead

    I see you had a perfect record until Friday what happened private ?

    Well sir we had a Taliban member cornered and I yelled out

    Osama’s a Fag !

    To which he replied ” Hillary’s a Bitch ”

    I just couldn’t draw fire on a Fellow Republican.

  8. 8 Jeff Nicklus Jan 15th, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    God created Texas

    God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

    He inquired, “Where have you been?”

    God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.”

    Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?”

    “It’s a planet,” replied God, and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test Balance.”

    “Balance?” inquired Michael, “I’m still confused.”

    God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.

    Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.”

    God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

    The Archangel , impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?”

    “That’s Texas , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Texas are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things.”

    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, “But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.”

    God smiled, “I will create Washington , DC . Wait till you see the idiots I put there.”

    Over & Out,


  9. 9 Quint w/ Jan 16th, 2011 at 6:58 pm

    Jeff, I read once, that, how smart you think a person is, depends on how much that person agrees with your opinions. You are one smart man.

  10. 10 Jeff Nicklus Jan 16th, 2011 at 9:33 pm

    Comments overheard in a Marine Corp Chow Hall ….

    “When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional …. I’m getting out before Obama makes it mandatory.”

    Over & Out,


  11. 11 Rick Jan 16th, 2011 at 11:45 pm

    Ain’t that the truth.

  12. 12 GRIP ACE - DIGITAL SWITCHES Jan 17th, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    Keep’em coming Jeff. I always like a good laugh.

  13. 13 dragon Jan 17th, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    FISHERMAN:one jerk waiting on another jerk on the other end of the line

  14. 14 nicker Jan 17th, 2011 at 10:31 pm

    — Dear God:

    For 2011, all I ask for is a big fat bank account and a slim body.

    Please do not mix up the two like you did last year.


  15. 15 Jeff Nicklus Jan 19th, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    A Noteworthy Date —

    In the coming New Year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address occur on the same day, Feb. 2, 2011.

    “It is an ironic juxtaposition of events: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication . . . .While the other involves a groundhog.”

    Over & Out,


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