A female police officer arrests a biker for drunk driving.
She tells the man, “Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you…
” The biker says: “Tits”
What’s the difference between Lady Godiva and a fox hunt?
One’s a Hunt on a Course…..
Cyril, I’m getting old, it took a few seconds to sink in 🙂
golfish That’s what she said! (sorry couldn’t let that one get by) peace
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. ‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’ the firefighter said with admiration.
‘Thanks,’ the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer.The girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.
‘Little partner,’ the firefighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster. ‘
The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”
BEWARE ” THE TAX MAN IS COMING”
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages.
What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”
“Good question,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
“We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.
“Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”
“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO.
“What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”
This may be a repeat but it always cracks me up.
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks, “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”
The woman replies, “It’s Keith. The midget.”
Those are some great jokes! Cyril, Fuji. Doug, that was a new one for me. What’s the difference between an epileptic cornhusker, and a hooker with diarrhea? The cornhusker shucks between fits.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rabbit?….A dead rabbit with an asshole about 6 inches in diameter!! Wiz
There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it to find a young man standing there who said: “Hello, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness.”
I said “Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about?”
He said, “Beats the shit out of me, I’ve never gotten this far before.”
Only In Florida
A widowed Jewish woman was sunbathing on the beach in Fort Meyers, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a gentleman about her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers, made himself comfortable, and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
“Hello, sir, how are you today?” she asked.
“Fine, thank you,” he responded and turned back to his book.
“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.
“First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago,” he replied and turned back to reading his book.
“I am sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very, very lonely,” she countered. “Do you live around here?” she asked.
“Yes, I live a couple miles away in Cape Coral,” he answered, and again resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest and possibly a connection, she persisted. “Do you like pussy cats?”
With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket, excited and determined he tore off her swimsuit, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
“How did you know my name was Katz” he replied
Here’s some more jokes;
What do you get the pedophile that already has everything?
What’s the first thing a blond says when she wakes up in the morning?
“Are you guys all on the same team?!
Did you hear about the midget psychic that escaped from jail-
The headline read `Small medium at large“
A guy walks up to a really old hooker and whispers in her ear
“ya know honey, I would really like a little pussy“
“Me too“ she says `mines as big as a house!“
A magician said “For my next trick I’d like to be hit in the head with a hammer.” “You Sir” pointing to a large biker in the front row, “Come up on stage, take this 10-pound sledge ‘an hit me as hard as you can right between my eyes.” “Are you sure” he said. “Yes” was the magician’s reply. “It’s MAJIC!!” So the muscular guy hauls off and smacked him right in the middle of his forehead with the hunk of steel. Of course it knocks him out, ambulance is called, he goes to Intenseive Care for 5 years on life support, then a room with tubes, injections, respirators, etc. to keep him alive for another 10 years, and finally wakes up from his coma and exclaimes “TA-DA!!!” YUK-YUK!! Wiz
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’.
‘His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.’
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, ‘Watch this.’
He told Sniffer to ‘search’.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman’s arm.
The Policeman said, ‘Good boy’, and he turned to the man and said, ‘That woman is in possession of marijuana, I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
‘Gee, that’s pretty good,’ replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm.
The Policeman said, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.’
‘I like it!’ said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search’ again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, ‘What’s going on ?’
The Policeman nervously replied, ‘He’s just found a bomb.’
A grizzly bear walks into a bar and asks the bartenter for a drink.
The bartender says “we don’t serve bears here.” The bear looks around and sees a girl at the end of the bar. He tells the bartender “If you don’t get me a drink, I’m gonna go down there and eat that girl.” The bartender, skeptical, says “fine, I dare ya!”
The bear proceeds to attack the girl, shreads her up, and eats her right in front of the bar. “Ya gonna serve me now!” asks the bear. “We don’t serve drug addicts, either” replies the bartender. Puzzled, the bears says “I’m not drug addict!!!!” The bartender replies “what about that bar bitch you ate!”
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