Joke Of The week. Great Weekend…

A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake in Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said ‘There’s no money in that account.’ ‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’
See…….Not All Seniors Are Senile

Zipper's

15 Responses to “Joke Of The week. Great Weekend…”


  1. 1 El Loco Mar 18th, 2011 at 8:37 am

    Not bad………not bad at all!

    Arriba!! Arriba!!

    EL Loco

  2. 2 Grayhawk Mar 18th, 2011 at 9:56 am

    AN ACTUAL CRAIG’S LIST PERSONALS AD

    To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

    Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

    I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

    First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head … isn’t it?!

    I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

    After I called your mother or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, — on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

    I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

    I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb …. after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.

    Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what ‘s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

    The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

    ;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you … but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

    Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,

    Alex

  3. 3 Jeff Nicklus Mar 18th, 2011 at 9:56 am

    During a recent password audit, it was found that a Blonde was using the following password:

    “MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento”

    When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  4. 4 Jeff Nicklus Mar 18th, 2011 at 10:01 am

    A young woman goes to her doctor’s office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each.

    “They won’t wash off, they won’t scrape off and they seem to be getting worse.”

    The doctor assures her he’ll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

    A few days later, the woman’s phone rings. Much to her relief, it’s the doctor. She immediately begs to know what’s causing the spots.

    The doctor says, “You’re perfectly healthy – – there’s no problem. But I’m wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?”

    The woman stammers, “Why, yes, but how did you know?”

    “His earrings aren’t real gold.”

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  5. 5 Delski Mar 18th, 2011 at 10:26 am

    Q : How many drugs did Charley Sheen have in his system when turned himself into the hospital ?

    A: Enought to kill 2 1/2 men.

  6. 6 bigitch Mar 18th, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    a 60 year old man goes to a party with his new beautiful 25 year old bride.

    all his friend are envious and when she goes to the bathroom they all crowd around and want to know how he got her.

    ‘i lied about my age” he said.

    “what” one guy asked, “you tell her you were 50?”

    “no” he replied, “90”.

  7. 7 Jeff Nicklus Mar 18th, 2011 at 8:38 pm

    After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.

    But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better,

    So I thought Fuck it, I’ll soldier on..!

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  8. 8 Wiz Mar 19th, 2011 at 2:33 am

    What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? FULL!! YUK-YUK!! Wiz

  9. 9 Iron Horse Mar 19th, 2011 at 10:38 am

    Love the last one Jeff.

  10. 10 chrism13 Mar 22nd, 2011 at 7:06 am

    great ones this week , I needed a laugh . Hey Cyril , my bro picked up an 87 ,883 sportster for $700 complete ,needs a battery . Luck of the Irish !

  11. 11 Jeff Nicklus Mar 23rd, 2011 at 11:14 am

    NEWS FLASH ………………

    Ruger Firearms Co just announced that they are coming out with a new pistol in Honor of President Obama.

    The New Pistol will be named the “Union Worker” …..The New Pistol doesn’t work and you can’t fire it!

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  12. 12 nicker Mar 23rd, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

    ‘Fred,’ he replies.

    ‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.

    ‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.

    The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

    The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’

    The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.

    When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

    Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

    Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

    Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

    Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

    Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.’

    The officer walked away in tears, laughing

    -nicker-

  13. 13 john reed Mar 23rd, 2011 at 11:28 pm

    A New Zealand man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

    After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

    The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

    The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant..

    The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

    The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

    So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

    Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

    He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

    Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
    Try again.. he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day servicing the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

    The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

    He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

    No, she says, they’re all in the Land Rover,
    and one of them is beeping the horn.

  14. 14 Jeff Nicklus Mar 24th, 2011 at 10:07 am

    A beautiful young blonde woman from New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean..

    But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

    “You have so much to live for,” said the man.

    “I’m a sailor, and we’re off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.”

    With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted.

    That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable compartment in the hold.
    From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

    Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

    “What are you doing here?” asked the captain.

    “I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied.

    “He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe .”

    “I see,” the captain said.

    Her conscience got the best of her and she added, “Plus, he’s screwing me.”

    “He certainly is,” replied the captain,

    “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  15. 15 Wiz Mar 27th, 2011 at 2:56 am

    Ask a chick “Do you know the difference between a Big Mac ‘an a blow job?”. If she says “No”. Say “Wanna go to lunch?” YUK-YUK!! Wiz

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