Joke Of The Week

The Italian Virginity Test.

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor says, “Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit – A small can of red paint, a small can of green paint and a shovel.”

Mario asks, “And what do I do with these things, Doc? The doctor replies, “Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball green. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I’ve ever seen!’, ……….you hit her with the shovel. (sent by Nicker)

Zipper's

14 Responses to “Joke Of The Week”


  1. 1 fuji Sep 14th, 2011 at 11:55 am

    My First Condom:

    I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the local pharmacy.

    In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt
    the young lady (I think her name was Dolores) knew what they were for.

    She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really

    embarrassed by the whole procedure

    She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

    I honestly answered, ‘No, not really.’

    So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

    I apparently still looked confused.

    So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty

    It was. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door and locked it.

    Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.

    She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.. ‘Do these excite you?’ she asked.

    Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head.

    She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

    ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘we don’t have much time.’

    So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within three minutes.

    She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked me.

    I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

    She then beat the shit out of me…. Women have always been hard for me to figure out!

  2. 2 Jeff Nicklus Sep 14th, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, Where there is a large German-speaking population.

    One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher’s stock pond.

    The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: “Sehr angenehm! Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.”

    Which means: (“Glad to meet you! Don’t drink the water. The cows have shit in it.”)

    The man shouted back: “I’m from New York and just down here Campaigning for Obama’s health care plan. I can’t understand you. Please speak in English.”

    The rancher replied: “Use both hands. You’ll get more.”

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  3. 3 Jeff Nicklus Sep 14th, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    A doctor from Israel says: “In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.”

    The German doctor comments: “That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person’s head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.”

    A Russian doctor says: “That’s nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.”

    The U.S. doctor answers immediately: “That’s nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us….in the USA, about 2 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls….we made him President of the United States, and now……. the whole country is looking for work.

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  4. 4 Harry from OK Sep 14th, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    Fuji: that was one of the best jokes I’ve heard in awhile, really damn funny…

  5. 5 Jeff Nicklus Sep 14th, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

    ‘Fred,’ he replies.

    ‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.

    ‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.

    The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

    The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’

    The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.

    When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

    Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

    Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

    Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

    Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

    Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I’m just Fred.’

    The officer walked away in tears.

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  6. 6 fuji Sep 14th, 2011 at 8:28 pm

    You be on a roll Jeff keep them coming, Funny stuff.

  7. 7 Kustoms and Choppers Sep 14th, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    My stomach hurts from all of the jokes on the page

  8. 8 Jeff Nicklus Sep 15th, 2011 at 11:11 am

    THE CHICKEN FARM . . .

    John was in the egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets’, and ten roosters to fertilize them. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

    This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

    Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

    John’s favorite rooster, “Obama”, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed Obama’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

    To John’s amazement, Obama had thought of a way to do it without ANY work . . . He had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

    John was so proud of Obama, he entered him in the Chicago County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

    The result was the judges not only awarded Obama the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

    Clearly Obama was a politician. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  9. 9 Kroeter Sep 15th, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    Okay, Jeff, we get it. . .

    After Katrina hit, President Bush had a press conference. Eventually the subject of abortion came up, always a hot topic. When the President was asked about his views on Roe vs. Wade, he replied, “I don’t care how the survivors escaped from New Orleans. I’m just glad they’re all safe!”

  10. 10 Jeff Nicklus Sep 15th, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    Kroeter,

    Good one ….. LMAO

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  11. 11 Fredp Sep 15th, 2011 at 9:47 pm

    “It turns out that Texas Gov. Rick Perry got a D in Principles of Economics. So he can’t be president, but he can get a job on President Obama’s economic team.” –Jay Leno

    “Texas Governor Rick Perry now says his wife has been encouraging him to run for President. Remember first he told us God told him to run; now his wife is telling him to run. Of course, the big difference; if you ignore what God says you don’t have to hear about it until the afterlife. That’s the only difference.” –Jay Leno

  12. 12 Jeff Nicklus Sep 16th, 2011 at 11:12 am

    I woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast. I looked to see what she was cooking, and I saw one of my socks in the frying pan.

    “What are you doing?” I asked her.

    “I’m doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk,” she replied.

    Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself,

    “I don’t remember asking her to cook my sock…??????”

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  13. 13 miltrane Sep 19th, 2011 at 6:48 pm

    Every time you post “Joke of the Week”, old Jeff Nicklus turns up the spigot!

  14. 14 nicker Sep 21st, 2011 at 11:35 pm

    miltran,

    And your point is………????

    -nicker-

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