The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body… The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000. The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, ‘From the tip of my penis to my testicles.’ It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to ‘drop ’em,’ which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s penis and began to work back. “Dear Lord!” he suddenly exclaimed, ”Where are your testicles?” The old Chief calmly replied, ”Vietnam.”
Awful joke.. but I still laughed
I was talking to an English (now exArmy) guy at the Ally Pally Custom Show earlier this year – sitting in his wheelchair (waiting for his new legs to arrive..sometime soon)
He was so happy everyone wondered what drugs he was on… he said “Life, I might have lost my legs to the Taliban but the wife’s happy i’ve still got my bollocks…”
When you think about it, what with Iraq and ‘Stan – there must be a few US and English guys out there…… horrible thought…
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, ‘Hello..’
>
> ‘Mrs. Sanders, please.’
>
> ‘Speaking.’
>
> ‘Mrs.. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.’
>
> ‘What do you mean?’ Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
>
> ‘Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV… We can’t tell which is which.’
>
> ‘That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?’, questioned Mrs. Sanders.
>
> ‘Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.’
>
> ‘Well, what am I supposed to do now?’
>
> ‘The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
> in the middle of town . .
>
> If he finds his way home . . Don’t sleep with him.’
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, “I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye.”
“Where did you get the other shiner?” the boss asked.
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”
——————————————————————————–
A man was pushing trees into a wood chipper when his pant leg got caught on an branch and was pulled in feet first. before his associates could get the machine turned off it had taken him in to just below his rib cage and he was dead.
his wife was called to the hospital to identify the remains. when they pulled the sheet back to show his face, the woman looked up and down the sheet and said:
“it kinda looks like him, but my husband is much taller!”
When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day:
“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake”
Inspired by my story, the doctor said, “You must be an awesome outdoorsman!”
“No,” I replied, “I’m just a shitty golfer
-nicker-