Joke Of The Week

While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.” The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.” The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.” The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!” The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.  Vewy ware disease.” The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!” The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!” “Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims. “Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself!

Zipper's

39 Responses to “Joke Of The Week”


  1. 1 Doug Dec 1st, 2011 at 11:37 am

    Obama’s second term….

  2. 2 Jeff Nicklus Dec 1st, 2011 at 11:42 am

    Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947,a little more than 64 years ago,numerous witnesses claim that an Unidentified Flying Object,(UFO),with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico ..

    This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered-up by the U.S. Air Force,as well as other Federal Agencies and Organizations.

    However,what you may NOT know is that in the month of April, year 1948, nine months after the historic day, the following people were born:

    Barrack Obama

    Albert A. Gore, Jr.

    Hillary Rodham

    William J. Clinton

    John F. Kerry

    Howard Dean

    Nancy Pelosi

    Dianne Feinstein

    Charles E. Schumer

    Barbara Boxer

    Joe Biden

    This is the consequence of aliens breeding with sheep and jack-asses.

    I truly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It certainly did for me.

    And now you can stop wondering why they support the bill to help all Illegal Aliens.

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  3. 3 john reed Dec 1st, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    Bono,lead singer of the rock band u2, is known to be more than a little self-righteous.
    At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland he asked the audience for total quiet.
    then, in the silence,he started to slowly clap his hands,once every few seconds
    .Holding the audience in total silence, He said into the microphone
    “Every time I clap my hands.a child in Africa dies”
    From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish Accent pierced the quiet………

    ” Well fuckin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard”

  4. 4 Jeff Nicklus Dec 1st, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    In the wake of Bin Laden’s death, rumors are circulating that radical Muslims are planning to go on a rampage in Los Angeles, killing anyone who is a legal U.S. citizen.

    Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23-24.

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  5. 5 G-Four Dec 1st, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    During Bike Week there was a flea sitting in the sand on the beach, shivering. Another flea walked by and asked him why he was so cold. The first flea said he just jumped off the beard of a biker who rode down from New York and he almost froze to death. The second flea told him to crawl between the legs of a nearby woman who was sunbathing to warm up, and he did. An hour later the two fleas meet again on the beach, and the first flea is still shivering. The second flea asked what happened, I thought you got warm between the womans legs. The first said he did, but in ten minutes he was back on some bikers beard again.

  6. 6 Marke Dec 1st, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    Wow.

    Hillary Rodham Clinton’s birthday 26 Oct 1947
    John F. Kerry’s birthday 11 Dec 1943
    William J. Clinton’s birthday 19 Aug 1946
    Howard Dean’s birthday 17 Nov 1948
    Nancy Pelosi’s birthday 26 Mar 1940
    Dianne Feinstein’s birthday 22 Jun 1933
    Charles E. Schumer’s birthday 23 Nov 1950
    Barbara Boxer’s birthday 11 Nov 1940

    And sheep gestation is around 145 days.

    Typical hater – Repub or Dem – if you can’t use facts, make something up. Then if caught you can say it was only a joke.

  7. 7 fuji Dec 1st, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    Teacher: “Jeffie, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people’s lives?”

    Little Jeffie:

    Drin – king,
    smo – king,
    fuc – king.

  8. 8 Jeff Nicklus Dec 1st, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    Marke,

    Go back to “Occupy Something” ….. look at the title of the thread numb nuts …. “Joke of The Week” ….. Hell, anyone knows Obama is the Joke Of The Century !

    Hey Fugi …. Whats up?

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  9. 9 Jeff Nicklus Dec 1st, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    Marke,

    Just noticed that you have not shown a birthdate for Osama Obama ….. hummmmmmmm????? Better check his birth certificate!

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  10. 10 Richard Dec 1st, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    Jeff…nothing funny about this kind of disrespect from you and others. I’ve read your drivel before. Grow up or shut up!

  11. 11 cafesportytc Dec 1st, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    Jeff I can always count on you for a luagh lol

  12. 12 Jeff Nicklus Dec 1st, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    Richard,

    Disrespect? Where? How? Can the truth be disrespectful? I think not! Boy you libs sure can deal it out but you can’t take it back worth a crap.

    FYI Richard: I am just getting started on Obama and you libs …. wait until we start getting closer to November 2012 you will be going nuts with all that will be said about your “anointed one”! Let the fun begin!

    I must say that you have to be pround of Osama now that his approval ratings are even lower that Jimmy Carter ….. I know Carter is happy with him.

    Now go enjoy the rest of your day.

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  13. 13 Rick Peyton Dec 1st, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    Great jokes as always, Jeff. Look forward to more. Man, Cyril will any dumbasses on here, won’t he. I think Dick and Marke should hold hands and learn to laugh together. Not our faults they backed a useless SOB as president. Laughing is about all we can afford to do with Osama Obama in the office.

  14. 14 ger Dec 1st, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from Green Bay.

    After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. Paddy asked for a
    whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

    The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

    He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores
    than let liquor touch my lips.”

    The Irishman immediately handed his drink back to the attendant and
    said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

  15. 15 burnout Dec 1st, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    I got nothing. ALL of the above has brought tears. LMAOAPMP (laughing my ass off and peeing my pants) peace

  16. 16 Jeff Nicklus Dec 1st, 2011 at 6:16 pm

    Barrack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

    Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.

    He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

    The first kid said, ‘I want to go to Disney World & Barrack said, ‘No problem, I’ll take you there on Air Force One.’

    The second kid said, ‘I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes. Barrack said, ‘I’ll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.’

    The third kid said, ‘ I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.’ Barrack was a little perplexed by this and said, ‘But you don’t look like you’re handicapped.

    The kid said, ‘I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning.’

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  17. 17 Jeff Nicklus Dec 1st, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    Like any corrupt Chicago politician, Obama would frequently go the cemetery to register voters. One night he came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn’t make out the name on the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested that they just move on to the next plot. Obama angrily exclaimed, “This person has as much right to vote as anyone else here!”

    OK…..OK, don’t blame me Richard and his sister Marke got me started on the Obama joke marathon!

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  18. 18 The Supreme Team Dec 1st, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    Disrespect from Jeff? Nope…just some damn great JOKES FOLKS!

  19. 19 The Supreme Team Dec 1st, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    And Jeff…spot on with the 23-24 deaths. So. Cal is bad, but LA is the worst…I get excited when I see another white person there…LOL.
    Folks, sadly that isn’t a joke. The illegals in So. Cal. are inundating the state and it’s pretty saddening to see the tarnish it’s putting on our scenery.
    Now of course…you do realize that BLObama hit Hollywood for two visits within just about 2 months….he knows where his votes are coming from.

  20. 20 Fredp Dec 1st, 2011 at 10:48 pm

    You might be a Republican if…
    You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
    You might be a Republican if…
    You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
    You might be a Republican if…
    You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch “lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn’t want to contribute to society.”
    You might be a Republican if…
    You don’t think “The Simpsons” is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
    You might be a Republican if…
    You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

  21. 21 DJ Dec 2nd, 2011 at 5:46 am

    Hey Marke and Richard…
    Are you guys for real!?!? STFU….

  22. 22 DJ Dec 2nd, 2011 at 5:56 am

    Fredp.. You are bigger idiot then Dick and Marke..

  23. 23 Keith Stone Dec 2nd, 2011 at 8:36 am

    Jeff N.
    X2 That’s funny ! Your awesome !

  24. 24 Rick Lossner Dec 2nd, 2011 at 8:40 am

    Ever wish the jerks out there had the b@lls to spout their BS in the same room, so they could get the @ss whoop’n they deserved?? lol

    Keep ’em coming Jeff!!

    Disrespect? I cringed for 8 yrs listening to the crap people spouted about W’….. now it’s all fair game…. Same people lambasted the Tea Party, yet somehow thought the idiots in the park were in the right and borderline heros….. enough of that.. … more jokes!

  25. 25 Chris Dec 2nd, 2011 at 10:08 am

    A hard working blue collar man toiled his whole life to make a buck and sometimes he did but then something would come up; his kid broke his arm, his car broke down, his wife got laid off. He lived simply to make the ends meet while working 60 hours a week and was able to squeak by. Then his employer got a big tax break and because the boss is a good Christian he gave his tax savings to his employees. Good joke.

  26. 26 DJ Dec 2nd, 2011 at 10:50 am

    Chris…
    Wow! How profound!! You just described life! Heres an idea have a sense of self responibility and do something with yourself… You can be the boss getting the tax break if you would just do it instead of waiting for big brother to come along and hand it to you. In the spirit of the Joke of the week..
    Knock Knock?
    Who’s there?
    Another whinny ass liberal who thinks everyone owes him something!
    Ha! Now thats some funny shit

  27. 27 Chris Dec 2nd, 2011 at 11:38 am

    DJ,
    I don’t need or want a handout. I’m not owed anything by anybody, I work hard and take care of my family. We do fine. If you own your own business and are profitable today, I’m happy for you. If you have acquired knowledge and skills that allow you to be employed, I’m also pleased for you. I do, however, find your vulgar language and hostility towards anybody who doesn’t share your opinion to be indicative of a greater problem that we face. The “I’m right, everybody else is an asshole” ethic along with regurgitation of cliches, whether they be about liberals or conservatives has grown tiresome and serves no purpose beyond personal ego inflation. Our system is broken, serves a select few, and thrives on our ignorance and divisiveness.

  28. 28 43knuckle Dec 2nd, 2011 at 11:56 am

    Poor people don’t create jobs. Middle class, rich people and corporations create jobs.

    Most, but not all “poor” people chose their path in life, though most people on welfare have cell phones and flat screens televisions.

    Capitalism and American ambition built this country from nothing, defeated the British (twice), defeated Germany (twice), defeated Imperial Japan, and brought down the USSR.

    The biggest crooks in the USA are the people in government and the whiners who support them and keep them in power.

    Government doesn’t make money, they take money from those who earn it.

  29. 29 Olive Oil Dec 2nd, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    All political BS. Where are the jokes of the week (weak).

  30. 30 DJ Dec 2nd, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    Chris.. You are confused my friend. If you are doing just fine then you have no dog in this fight… Are you championing for other “less fortunate” people? What is your angle brother? All I hear is resentment for “The Boss” that had the balls to make something out of himself and provide others with jobs at the same time. I have said it a million times…This is America, the land of opportunity. If you don’t use that opportunity to make something out of yourself then don’t claim you are “less fortunate” Be honest with yourself and claim you were too damn lazy. If you don’t fall in that catagory then you too should be offended that others are not pulling their weight. If you don’t believe me that you can go as far as you want in life, just look to the white house. You can be president of the United States without a single job on your resume other then Community Organizer and 124 days in Senate. Further more, don’t confuse hostility with passion. There is no room for users and takers anymore. And that is what dems and libs stand for.

  31. 31 Richard Dec 2nd, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Chris,
    This is the shit you get from narrowminded idiots when you try to present a rational argumet/position. Some of them are not capable of rational thought, have no sense of fairness, objectivity, perspective etc. Some of them are just stupid and others assholes. Any thoughts that include respect or reasonableness are beyond their scope of understanding. In consideration of these observations, this is my final post on this thread,,,,,,F*** them!

  32. 32 Jeff Nicklus Dec 2nd, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    DJ,

    EXACTLY CORRECT!

    Richard,

    All men are created equal ….. however no one guarantees anyone an equal outcome in life. Fairness …. make me laugh …. the harder I work the more fair it becomes … imagine that! As for your final comment on this thread, all I can say is AMF!

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  33. 33 The Supreme Team Dec 2nd, 2011 at 5:27 pm

    You silly kids you. Seems everybody on earth’s having a bad Friday and I get to sit back and laugh at it. Have a great weekend kids.

  34. 34 DJ Dec 2nd, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    Hey Dick… What rational thought is it you are refering too? Cause none of us picked up on that little gem..
    Adios!
    Schmuk

  35. 35 DJ Dec 2nd, 2011 at 6:50 pm

    Jeff..
    Lets have a beer- I’m buying

  36. 36 John Magee Dec 2nd, 2011 at 7:46 pm

    Back on Topic –

    Saw a new series on ESPN last night – Law and Order PSU

  37. 37 Jeff Nicklus Dec 3rd, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    Taxi driver

    A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City .

    The taxi driver, who happened to be Jewish, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

    “What’s wrong with you Luv, haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

    “I’m not staring at you lady; I am telling you, that would not be proper where I come from”.

    “Well if you’re not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?”

    “Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to pay for this ride.”

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  38. 38 Jeff Nicklus Dec 5th, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    An oldie yet still a goodie!

    Guy goes into a bar, there’s a robot bartender.
    The robot says, “What will you have?”
    The guy says, “Martini.”
    The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?”
    The guy says,” 168.”
    The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
    The guy leaves, but he is curious…So he goes back into the bar.
    The robot bartender says, “What will you have?”
    The guy says, “Martini.”
    Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, “What’s your IQ?”
    The guy says, “100.”
    The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
    The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
    He goes back into the bar.
    The robot says, “What will you have?”
    The guy says, “Martini,” and the robot brings him another great martini.
    The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?”
    The guy says, “Uh, about 50.”
    The robot leans in real close and says, “So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?”

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  39. 39 Fredp Dec 5th, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    No more JOKES for DJ, we are all in this together Democrats and Republicans. Here’s why this financial fiasco killed our economy. How we don’t learn from history. The last paragrah says it all!

    1 November 1999

    An agreement between the Clinton administration and congressional Republicans, reached during all-night negotiations which concluded in the early hours of October 22, sets the stage for passage of the most sweeping banking deregulation bill in American history, lifting virtually all restraints on the operation of the giant monopolies which dominate the financial system

    The proposed Financial Services Modernization Act of 1999 would do away with restrictions on the integration of banking, insurance and stock trading imposed by the Glass-Steagall Act of 1933, one of the central pillars of Roosevelt’s New Deal. Under the old law, banks, brokerages and insurance companies were effectively barred from entering each others’ industries, and investment banking and commercial banking were separated.

    The certain result of repeal of Glass-Steagall will be a wave of mergers surpassing even the colossal combinations of the past several years. The Wall Street Journal wrote, “With the stroke of the president’s pen, investment firms like Merrill Lynch & Co. and banks like Bank of America Corp., are expected to be on the prowl for acquisitions.” The financial press predicted that the most likely mergers would come from big banks acquiring insurance companies, with John Hancock, Prudential and The Hartford all expected to be targeted.

    The Glass-Steagall Act of 1933, which the deregulation bill would repeal, was not adopted to protect consumers, although one of its most celebrated provisions was the establishment of the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation, which guarantees bank deposits of up to $100,000. The law was enacted during the first 100 days of the Roosevelt administration to rescue a banking system which had collapsed, wiping out the life savings of millions of working people, and threatening to bring the profit system to a complete standstill.

    As a recent history of that era notes: “The more than five thousand bank failures between the Crash and the New Deal’s rescue operation in March 1933 wiped out some $7 billion in depositors’ money. Accelerating foreclosures on defaulted home mortgages—150,000 homeowners lost their property in 1930, 200,000 in 1931, 250,000 in 1932—stripped millions of people of both shelter and life savings at a single stroke and menaced the balance sheets of thousands of surviving banks” (David Kennedy, Freedom from Fear, Oxford University Press, 1999, pp. 162-63).

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