A Short History of the Condom.
I’ve always been a good student of history, but I didn’t know this one… Fascinating!
In 1272, Persians invented the condom, using a goat’s lower intestine.
In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first…
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A woman went into a shop to buy a picture frame,she went to pay for it and the assistant asked
if she wants a screw for it.
“No” she said but I will give you a blow job for that toaster on the end”
A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform,
marches into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens his sporran
and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana,
unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief,
which he also unfolds -to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
“How much to repair it?’ The Scot asks the chemist.
“Six pence” says the chemist.
“How much for a new one?”
“Ten pence” says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the
silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran,
and marches out of the door,
shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists
and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.
“We’ll have a new one.”
1- What do you give a women that has everything? antibiotics
2 – Why do sharks circle before they attack? so they can scare the shit out of you before they eat you
3 – Since the beginning of time women have been saying that giving birth is more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong. A year or so after giving birth a woman often says” it would be nice to have another kid”. But you will never hear a man say” let’s go for another kick in the nuts”.
A Hooker in Las Vegas
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, “How much do you charge?”
The Hooker replies, “It starts at $500 for a hand-job.”
The guy says, “$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”
The hooker says, “Do you see that Denny’s restaurant on the corner?”
“Yes.”
“Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?”
“Yes.”
“And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?”
“Yes.”
“Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those.
And I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.”
So the guy says, “What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try.”
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?”
The hooker replies, “$1,500.”
“I wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!”
The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.”
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, “Sign me up.”
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, “How much for some pussy?”
The hooker says, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?
“Damn!” the guy says, in awe, “You own the whole city?”
No,” the hooker replies, “but I would… if I had a pussy”
American tourist asks an Irishman:
“Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards
off their boats?”
To which the Irishman replies: “They have
to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they’d
still be in the boat.”
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone
“My wife is pregnant and her contractions
are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
“No”, shouts Paddy, “this is her husband!”
An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and
he’s inconsolable.
His wife says “Why don’t you put an advert
in the paper?”
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still
missing.
“What did you put in the paper?” his wife
asks. He replies, “Here boy.”
My dentist is female. I need a tooth pulled so she set up everything and got the gas ready. I told her I didn’t want gas so she got a needle ready. I told her I NEVER do needles. She asks if I want a pill…. I say “HELL YEAH” so she gave me two pills. I said “Cool, what was that Oxycotin? Lortab? Horse tranqulizer?” She said ” Nope.. Viagra….. so you will have something to hold on to when I pull that tooth!!” peace