I live and work 1/4 of a mile from the Lynn University in Boca Raton, Florida where Barack Obama and Mitt Romney will debate tomorrow Monday October 22, 2012 at 9 p.m. ET. Returning from Daytona Biketoberfest I just found out that intense security is already in place on a very wide perimeter reaching my HQ. Americans are so polarized about this election that I thought a few good jokes should be helpful in helping everybody relax. Here are the new rules for tomorrow’s debate (by Frank Cerabino from PB Post)
1. A coin toss will be used to determine who speaks first. If President Obama wins, he may use the coin to pay down the country’s $16 trillion debt. If Gov. Romney wins, he may deposit the coin in the Cayman Islands.
2. The candidates will take the stage from opposite directions, approach each other, and engage in a handshake of no less than five seconds and no more than 10 seconds. The pressure of the handshake should not exceed 20 psi. During the handshake, both candidates must smile broadly at each other while mouthing, “douche bag.”
3. As part of their introductory remarks, both candidates will be allowed 30 seconds to praise the academic programs at Lynn University, even though they had no idea the place even existed until they arrived.
4. Throughout the debate, candidates will be prohibited from getting assistance from hidden listening devices, stage props or aerial drones.
5. The name of the city is pronounced Boca Rah-tone. Any candidate who says Boca Rah-tan, or Rah-tohn will forfeit his chance to solicit a campaign contribution from the Countess Henrietta de Hoernle.
6. The moderator will be Bob Schieffer of CBS News. Due to the 9 p.m. start, he may doze from time to time during the debate. Both candidates will have a “moderator shock button” at their station to be used in case Schieffer nods off.
7. Q&A; Format: Each candidate will have two minutes to ignore the question.
8. Because presidential debates serve primarily as drinking games for young voters, the candidates should refrain from overusing the words “middle class” to the extent that it could cause a nationwide outbreak of severe alcohol poisoning.
9. If Schieffer tries to remind you that he asked you a question about Iran, and you’ve been talking about Ohio, you will be permitted to talk about Florida, Colorado or Nevada.
10. If you say something that’s clearly wrong, and Schieffer starts to fact-check you on the spot, you may NOT use the “moderator shock button” to shut him up.
11. It’s against the rules to interrupt each other. But please do. If you don’t, TV viewers will go back to watching the Monday Night Football game between the Chicago Bears and the Detroit Lions.
12. Romney will be not be allowed to challenge Obama with a $10,000 bet on the Lions.
13. Because we are in South Florida, each candidate will be required to speak one awkwardly mispronounced sentence in Spanish.
14. The audience must remain silent. However, Florida law allows men 65 and older to disrupt public gatherings by repeatedly shouting “What did he say?” to their wives.
15. Cellphones in the hall will be turned off, except for those phones owned by people who have no idea how to make them silent.
16. The debate will end promptly at 10:30 p.m. As per local custom, the audience will start leaving the hall 10 minutes earlier to beat the rush.