Old Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”
Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
Old Cowboy: “Nah…. She ain’t that ugly.”
must of been before closing time at the bar…
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if
she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have
bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the
*”Monday’s the best night, when my husband goes out to darts,” she said.
*The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
*After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to
see that the lass didn’t have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her
husband when he came home. He didn’t believe her, so she said:”Next
Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the
back garden. I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.”
*So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
*”Do you shave?”
*”No,” replied the girl. “I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you
*”Oh, yes,” said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the
girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department…..very
*The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
*Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, “Did you
*”Yes,” he said, “but why the hell did you have to show her yours.”
“Why ever are you worried about that?” she said. “You’ve seen it often
*”I know,” he said, “but the dart team hadn’t!”
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said “Have you ever had a hug?”
The man said “No,” so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?”
The man said, “No,” so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, “‘ave ya ever been fucked, laddie?”
The man broke into a big smile and said, “No”.
She said, “Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in.”
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $20.00.
“Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says
some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she wanted to purchase the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at
her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s really not so bad.”
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then they began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had
Moments later, the woman’s husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Keith.”
The recession has hit everybody really hard…
My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
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