“I don’t claim to know too much about life saving… But if anyone is going to bring this guy back to life,
I’d put my money on the girl on the right!” (sent by Troy)
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“I don’t claim to know too much about life saving… But if anyone is going to bring this guy back to life,
I’d put my money on the girl on the right!” (sent by Troy)
why cant we get that in the U.S.?
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; “I’m sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed; “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead.” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said; “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried; “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?”
The vet shrugged; “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but… with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
A guy was walking down the road past a canal and he saw a man laid on his back
there were two men leaning over him and every time they pulled his arms back and front dirty brown water was pouring 2 feet out his mouth
“Whats are you doing ?” he asked
“We pulled this guy out of the canal and now we are giving him artificial respiration to save his life” they said
“Are you sure you know what you are doing?”
” Of course we do ,we are trained paramedics”
” I don’t know any medical stuff at all, I am an engineer,and if you don’t drag his ass out of the water you are going to pump that canal dry”
Kudos to each of the contributing humorists! I’ll chuckle every time one of these jokes happens to cross my mind.
As I was driving home worrying
about all the crap going on in Washington
– and at how my life was falling apart – I saw a yard sign that read:
NEED HELP? CALL JESUS.
1-800-005-3787
Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
John was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his cancer stricken father died,
he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary guy,” he said to her,
“But in just a few months my father will die and I will inherit $200 million”.
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily, the babies were okay. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. ” What’s wrong ? ” asked the mother. ” I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out, ” she replied. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. ” Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out. ” Again, she explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. ” It’s okay, ” said the mom. ” I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out. ”
” No,” said the boy. ” I was playing with myself and I just shot the dog. “
Three men were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. One of the men pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
” That was my pager, ” he said. ” I have a microchip under my skin. ”
A few minutes later a phone rang. The man lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained. ” That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand. ”
The third man, an old scooter tramp, felt very low tech. Not to be outdone, he knew he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass.The other two men raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The biker shrugged. ” Well, will you look at that, ” he said. ” I’m gettin’ another fax. “
Two alligators were basking at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC, when the smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, ” How come you’re so much bigger than me ? We were hatched together, the same size as kids and we share the same territory. I just don’t get it. ”
” The big gator asked, ” What have you been eating ? ”
” Politicians – same as you, ” replied the stunted gator.
” And where do you catch them ? ”
” At the other end of the swamp, next to the parking lot by the Capitol. ”
” Hmmm, same here. So how do you catch them ? ”
” Well, ” replied the little gator, ” I crawl up under one of those Lexus cars, wait for one to unlock the door and then I jump out, grab him by the leg and shake the shit outta’ him before devouring him. ”
” Ah ! ” said the big gator. ” Your problem is you ain’t getting enough nourishment. See, by the time you’ve shakin’ the shit out of a politician, there ain’t nothin’ left but an asshole and a breifcase. “
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl stopped beside him on her shiney, new bike.
” Nice bike, ” the cop said. ” Did Santa bring it to you. ”
” Yep, ” the little girl said. ” He sure did ! ”
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, ” Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector on the back of it. ”
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, ” Nice horse you got there, sir, did Santa bring it to you ? ”
” Yes, he sure did, ” chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, ” Next year, tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top. “
Willis enters the barbershop for a shave. While the barber is lathering him up, Willis mentions the problem he’s having getting a close shave around the cheeks.
” No sweat, I have just the thing, ” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. ” Just place this in your cheek. ”
Willis places the ball in his mouth, and the barber begins to give him the closest shave he’s ever experienced. After the first few strokes, Willis asks in a sort of garbled voice, ” This is great, but what happens if I swallow the ball ? ”
” No problem, ” says the barber. ” Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does. “
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
“Windows frozen, won’t open.”
Husband texts back:
“Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.”
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
“Computer really screwed up now.”
An old Italian mafia don is dying and calls his grandson to his bedside. ” You lissin’ – a me. I wanna for you to take my chrome-plated .38 revolver so you always remember me. ”
” But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. Howzabout you leave me your Rolex watch instead ? ”
” Shuddup an lissin’. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, losta money, a bigga home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna com home and maybe find your wife in bed with another man. ”
” Whadda you gonna do then ? Pointa to you watch anda say, ” Times up ? “
A little girl goes up to her father who is working in the garage and asks him if she could take the dog for a walk.
” I’m not sure, ” he says, ” She’s in heat. ”
” What does that mean ? ” she asks.
” Well, it means she needs a little gas, that’s all, ” he replied.
So he takes out a rag, pours some gasoline on it, and scrubs the dog’s backside.
” Okay, ” he says to his daughter, ” Don’t be gone long. ”
The little girl and the dog runoff, but 10 minutes later she returns all alone.
” Where’s the dog ? ” her father asks.
” Oh, she ran out of gas a block ago. ” she answered. ” But don’t worry. Another dog is pushing her home. “
A biker was riding along a California beach when, all of a sudden, the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, ” Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish. ”
The biker pulled over and said, ” Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”
The Lord said, ” Your request is too materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific ! The concrete and steel it would take ! It will exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little time and think of something that would honor and glorify me. ”
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, ” Lord, I wish I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong and how I can make this woman truly happy. ”
The Lord replied, ” You want two lanes or four on that bridge ? “
There’s this man with a bald head and wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: ” Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg, you’ll be just right as a pirate. ”
The man thinks this is terrible because they’ve just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he gets another parcel and a note which says: ” Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you’ll really look the part. ”
Now the man is really annoyed, since they’ve gone from emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a really rude letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads: ” Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candied apple ! “
The WELFARE CHECK
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.”
The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and Bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You’ll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
“Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.”
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshittin’ me!”
The social worker said, “Yeah, well…You started it.”
Little Spike is in line with his dad, waiting to check out. In front of them is a really fat chick. Little Spike looks over, turns to his dad, and says, ” She is really big and fat, isn’t she dad ? ”
The dad is embarrassed and tries to get his son to quiet down. In a few minutes the rugrat yells out, ” She’s the biggest woman I’ve ever seen ! ”
Dad is embarrassed to tears, bends over and tells his son, ” We don’t talk about people looking different from us, especially if they’re fat. Don’t do it again.”
Little Spike got the message and stood for a long time – until the woman’s beeper went off.
He then yelled, ” Look out, dad, she’s backing up. “