Lady: Do you drink? Man: Yes. Lady: How much a day? Man: Three 6-packs. Lady: How much per 6-pack? Man: About $10.00. Lady: And how long have you been drinking? Man: 15 years. Lady: So a 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have three 6-packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,950 correct? Man: Correct. Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,950 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $204,250 correct? Man: Correct.
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn’t drank, that money could have been put in an interest paying savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink? Lady: No. Man: Where’s YOUR Ferrari then?
Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband!
I heard this joke when I had court ordered alcohol awareness training. Only the lady was serious and I didn’ t have or dare to use the punch line.
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl stopped beside him on her shiney, new bike.
” Nice bike, ” the cop said. ” Did Santa bring it to you. ”
” Yep, ” the little girl said. ” He sure did ! ”
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, ” Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector on the back of it. ”
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, ” Nice horse you got there, sir, did Santa bring it to you ? ”
” Yes, he sure did, ” chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, ” Next year, tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top. “
Two Japanese businessmen are talking during an afternoon dip in the hot baths at the Geisha House.
The first businessman says, “Hirokosan, I have some unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonoring you.”
Hirokosan can’t believe what he hears, and asks for more information.
“Your wife is dishonoring you with a foreigner of the Jewish faith.”
Shocked, Hirokosan goes home and confronts his wife.
“I am told that you are dishonoring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith.”
She replies, “That is lie. Where you hear such mishigas?
Gerry, it’s great to see you reposted the cop joke above. Here’s another one for you.
An already drunk Harold enters the bar, sits down, and starts downing the whiskey and beer at a fast rate. After an hour passes, he staggers over to the washroom to take care of business.
A couple of minutes later a low moan can be heard coming from washroom. The bartender glances over toward the door and just continues cleaning the whiskey glasses.
All of a sudden a blood curdling scream can be heard coming from the washroom. The bartender throws his towel to the side of the bar and rushes over, pushes open the door and yells, ” What’s all of the screaming about ? ”
Harold is sitting outside the stall with his pants down, and says in a painful voice, ” Everytime I try to flush the toilet my BALLS hurt like hell ! ”
The bartender looks on in amazement, shakes his head and says, ” Harold, you stupid drunk bastard, you’re sitting on the mop bucket ! “
NEVER LEAVE YOUR NUTS ALONE
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day arrived, everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, ” Up nuts, ‘ and the patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, he yelled, ” Down nuts, ” and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, ” Cheer nuts. ” They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the doctor yelled, ” Booooo nuts, ” and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to get a beer and hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, ” What the hell happened ? ”
The assistant replied, ” Well, everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled ” PEANUTS ! “
I asked 100 women, “What shampoo do you prefer?”. The top answer was, “How the hell did you get in here?
What’s the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED ?
When you marry the right woman your are COMPLETE !
When you marry the wrong woman you are FINISHED !
When the right woman catches you with the wrong woman you are …..
COMPLETELY FINISHED !
☺☺☺