Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the United Nations.
The only question asked was: “Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?”
The survey was a massive failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.
3. In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.
4. In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.
6. In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.
7. In the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.
8. In Canada , they all hung up as soon as they heard the East Indian
accent.
I am Canadian and I don’t get it?
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard has sued St Lukes hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, “Mr Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight…”
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn’t have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It’s shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
‘Well, it’s quite simple really,’ says the seller, ‘whenever the bike is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.’ (true story) And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, ‘I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.’ ‘When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.’
‘No problem,’ he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. ………dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. ‘She’s got a great body,’ he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the mom is pleasantly beaming. But still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouted. ‘I’ll do the fuckin dishes!!’
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it’s filled to
the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.He
approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s with the money in the jar?”
“Well…, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the
keys to a brand new Lexus.”
The man certainly isn’t going to
pass this up, so he asks, “What are the three tests?”
“You gotta pay first,” says the bartender, “those are the rules.”
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the
jar.
“Okay,” says the bartender, “here’s what you need to do:
First – You have to
drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can’t
make a face while doing it.”
“Second – There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove
that tooth with your bare hands.”
“Third – There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who’s never had sex. You have to take care
of that problem.”
The man is stunned! “I know I paid my $10 — but I’m not an idiot! I won’t do it! You’d
have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!”
“Your call,” says the bartender, “but, your money stays where it is.”
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, “Where’s the damn
tequila?!”
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.Tears stream down
both cheeks — but he doesn’t make a face — and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the
people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight-then,
nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he’s bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, “Now…, where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?”
Hard of hearing?
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended
I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy coating his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him,
“You dumb shit! You’re supposed to turn your clock back”
The teacher asked the class to use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, ‘My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.’
The teacher said, ‘That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate, not fascinating’.
Sally raised her hand. She said, ‘My family went to see RockCity and I was ‘fascinated.’ The teacher said, ‘Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.
Johnny said, ‘My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.’
The teacher sat down and cried.
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
“Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up”.
Sure, they said, you’re welcome.
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
newcomer,
“What do you do for a living?”
I’m a hit man,” was the reply.
“You’re joking!” was the response.
“No, I’m not,” he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight.
“Here are my tools.”
That’s a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, “Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here”.
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
“Yeah, I can see my house all right. “This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom”.
“Ha Ha, I can see she’s naked!! Wait a minute, that’s my neighbour in there with her……He’s naked, too!!! The bitch!”
He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?”
“I’ll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.”
“Can you do two for me now?”
“Sure, what do you want?”
“First, shoot my wife; she’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he’s supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.”
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
“Are you gonna do it or not?” asked the friend impatiently.
“Just be patient,” said the hit man calmly, “I think I can save ya a grand here.”
Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.”
I said, “WHAT?! What was that?!”
She said, “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, “Lets get a pair for each outfit.” We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, “I think this is all Honey, let’s go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “Uh, no baby, I don’t feel like it.” Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped. I said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either… but at least she knows I’m smarter than her.
I was going through a couple of magazines the other day, down at our local Mosque. Everything was going fine, and I was really enjoying myself……. …… and then the fucking gun jammed!