Joke Of The Week

joke1joke2Good Advice for an Old Guy.

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in.

I asked the trainer standing next to me, “What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?”

The trainer looked me over and said:

“I would recommend the ATM in the lobby.”

Zipper's

16 Responses to “Joke Of The Week”


  1. 1 KD Jun 28th, 2013 at 9:03 am

    THAT’s funny chit right there!! And oh so true these days it seems.

  2. 2 fuji Jun 28th, 2013 at 10:12 am

    She has knobs like my short wave radio. Come in Tokyo

  3. 3 Tobby Jun 28th, 2013 at 11:55 am

    “She” is an avatar. A computer rendering. A cartoon, if you will.

  4. 4 58_pan Jun 28th, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    Heck! I’d want to be a cartoon too if I could get my hands on that!!!

  5. 5 burnout Jun 28th, 2013 at 2:04 pm

    I organized a threesome last night. There was a couple of no-shows but I had a good time. peace

  6. 6 Olive Oil Jun 29th, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, “We have special requirements for new parishioners.
    You must abstain from sex for an entire month.”

    The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church.

    When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

    “You are back so soon…Is there a problem?” the pastor inquired.

    “We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month,” the young man replied sadly.

    The pastor asked him what happened.

    I”Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.

    But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn’t have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there,” admitted the man, shamefacedly.

    “You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church,” stated the pastor.

    “We know,” said the young man, hanging his head. “We’re not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either.

  7. 7 Olive Oil Jun 29th, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, “Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t show up.”

    “Sure,” they said, “You’re welcome.”

    So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

    Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, “What do you do for a living?”

    “I’m an assassin, a hit man,” was the reply.

    “You’re joking!” was the response.

    “No, I’m not,” he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight.

    “Here are my tools.”

    “That’s a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, “Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.”

    So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

    “Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.”

    “Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she’s naked!! Wait a minute, that’s my neighbor in there with her….. He’s naked, too!!!”

    He turned to the hit man, “How much do you charge for a hit?”

    “I’ll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.”

    “Can you do two for me now?”

    “Sure, what do you want?”

    “First, shoot my wife, she’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.”

    “Then the neighbor, he’s a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.”

    The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

    “Are you going to do it or not?” said the friend impatiently.

    “Just be patient,” said the hit man calmly, “I think I can save you a grand here…”

  8. 8 Olive Oil Jun 29th, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    As a 70th birthday present to herself, a senior checked herself into a posh hotel. She found herself a bit lonely. She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”

    She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well-oiled bum.
    She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call.

    “Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?

    Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

    Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in.
    “Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’m ready!
    Now how does that sound?”
    He said, ” That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”

  9. 9 Olive Oil Jun 29th, 2013 at 1:50 pm

    Guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

    He marches straight up to the counter and says, “Hi. You know…., I just HATE
    drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.”

    The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent. We just
    got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and
    bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2013
    Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

    “Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to
    escort the daughter on her overseas trips. This is rather awkward to say but you
    will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the
    daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive. If it’s any consolation,
    she is quite pretty”

    The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshittin’ me!”

    The social worker said, “Yeah, well … You started it.”

  10. 10 USAYGO Jun 29th, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.” The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?” The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

    The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law? I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

  11. 11 Seven Jun 29th, 2013 at 6:45 pm

    Tobby,
    While she is airbrushed a bit, I assure you she is real and actually very beautiful on the inside too.

    Cheers

  12. 12 #1Madddog Jun 30th, 2013 at 2:02 am

    Seven, how can you see past all those pink folds of skin ?

  13. 13 Hazy Jun 30th, 2013 at 5:05 am

    An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

    ‘Fred,’ he replies.

    ‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.

    ‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.

    The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

    The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

    The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’

    The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

    Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was
    Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

    Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

    Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

    Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.’

    The officer walked away laughing, tears running down his face.

  14. 14 Seven Jul 1st, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    Funny #1Maddog! I am a photographer so there are few key things…. but the most important being that I have met her.

  15. 15 Seven Jul 1st, 2013 at 8:17 pm

    Oh btw… she is an Actress from Australia. Nicky Welhelm (spelling?)

  16. 16 nicker Jul 5th, 2013 at 4:35 am

    A scooter tramp in Mesa, Arizona, saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: “I miss Chicago.”

    So he broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read, “I hope this helps!”

    -nicker-

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