Joke Of The Week. Altar Boy Goes To Confession

cyril-huze-joke44‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.’ The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano?’ ‘Yes, Father, it is.’ 
’And who was the girl you were with?’ ‘I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.’ ‘Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you. May as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?’ ‘I cannot say.’ ‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’ ‘I’ll never tell.’ ‘Was it Nina Capelli?’ ‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’ ‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’ ‘My lips are sealed.’ ‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’ ‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’
The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, And I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now 
For 4 months. Now you go and Behave yourself.’

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides Over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’ ‘Four months’ vacation and five good leads …’

Zipper's

16 Responses to “Joke Of The Week. Altar Boy Goes To Confession”


  1. 1 USAYGO Aug 16th, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
    He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
    Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
    Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
    He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

    He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
    ‘Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?’ she asked.
    ‘They’re mating,’ her father replied.
    ‘What do you call the spider on top?’ she asked.
    a Daddy Longlegs,’ her father answered.
    ‘So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?’ the little girl asked.
    As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, ‘No dear.. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.’

    ‘The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat..

    Well, she said, that may be OK in California ,
    but we’re not having any of that shit in Texas.

  2. 2 USAYGO Aug 16th, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    An Irish golfer hooked his drive into the woods.

    Looking for his ball, he came upon a leprechaun who was flat on his back with a big bump on his head and a golf ball lying next to him.

    Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the golf cart and poured it over the little guy to revive him.

    ‘Arrgh! What happened?’ the leprechaun asked.

    ‘I’m afraid I hit you with my golf ball,’ the golfer replied.

    ‘Oh, I see. Well, since you got me fair and square, you get three wishes. Whaddya want?’

    ‘Thank God, you’re OK!’ the man exclaimed. ‘I really don’t want anything, I’m just glad you’re OK and I’m sorry.’

    And the golfer walked away.

    ‘What a nice guy!’ the leprechaun thought. ‘I have to do something for him. I’ll give him three things that I would want… a great golf game, all the money that he needs and a fantastic sex life.’

    A year had gone by when the golfer finally returned. On the very same hole, he once again hooked his drive into the woods, and the leprechaun was there waiting for him.

    ‘Twas me that made you hit the ball here,’ the little guy said. ‘I have to ask… how’s yer golf game?’

    ‘My golf game is fantastic!’ the man exclaimed. I’m a pretty famous golfer now.’ Then he added, ‘By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.’

    ‘Oh, I’m fine now, thanks! I did that for yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how’s yer financial situation?’

    ‘Why, it’s wonderful!’ the golfer replied. ‘Whenever I need money, I just reach in my pocket and pull out hundred dollar bills that I didn’t even know were there.’

    ‘I did that for you also. And, pray tell, how is yer sex life?’

    The golfer blushed and turned his head away in embarrassment. Then he very shyly said, ‘It’s OK.’

    ‘C’mon now,’ urged the leprechaun. ‘I want to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?’

    Blushing even more, the golfer looked around, then he whispered, ‘Once, sometimes twice a month.’

    ‘What?’ exclaimed the leprechaun. ‘That’s all? Only once or twice a month?’

    ‘Well,’ the golfer replied. ‘That’s not bad for a priest in a small parish!’

  3. 3 Ken Glenn Aug 17th, 2013 at 9:31 am

    An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
    However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

    As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.
    The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back. …This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

    The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.” But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.
    The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”

    “Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the Englishman replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”

    “Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave,” the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?” the Sheikh asked.

    The Englishman smiled and said, “Tie the Frenchman to my back.”

  4. 4 Olive Oil Aug 17th, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
    ‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’ St. Peter asked.

    ‘Well, I can think of one thing,’ the cowboy offered.

    ‘On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the crap out of all of you!’
    St. Peter was impressed, ‘When did this happen?’

    ‘Couple of minutes ago.’

  5. 5 Olive Oil Aug 17th, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    A young Ontario woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the lake, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

    “You have so much to live for,” said the man. “I’m a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.”

    With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

    “What are you doing here?” asked the captain.

    “I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy .”

    “I see,” the captain says.

    Her conscience got the best of her and she added, “Plus, he’s screwing me.”

    “He certainly is,” replied the captain, “this is the Toronto Island Ferry.”

  6. 6 Olive Oil Aug 17th, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    A man called his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?” Not too good,”
    said the mother. “I’ve been very weak. ” The son said, “Why are you so
    weak?” She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
    The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
    The mother answered, “Because, I didn’t want my mouth to be full
    in case you should call.”

  7. 7 Olive Oil Aug 17th, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill,
    so the doctor gave him another six months.

  8. 8 Olive Oil Aug 17th, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here

    for drinking.” The drunk says, Okay, let’s get started.”

  9. 9 Olive Oil Aug 17th, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street
    and said, “Lady I haven’t eaten in three days.” “Force yourself,” she
    replied.

  10. 10 Olive Oil Aug 17th, 2013 at 12:58 pm

    A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how
    do I stand?” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”

  11. 11 Olive Oil Aug 17th, 2013 at 12:58 pm

    My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
    This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

  12. 12 Olive Oil Aug 17th, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out,
    she’ll kill me!

  13. 13 Olive Oil Aug 17th, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you
    comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”

  14. 14 Olive Oil Aug 17th, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the
    airport.

  15. 15 Olive Oil Aug 17th, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love?
    “Honey, I’m home.”

  16. 16 Olive Oil Aug 17th, 2013 at 2:47 pm

    A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

    While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
    The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

    The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, ‘Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.’

    He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,

    ‘What would you say is my best feature?’ Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, ‘It’s got to be your ears.’

    Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, ‘My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin – not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?’

    Clearing his throat, he stammered… ‘Outside, when you said you heard someone coming… That was me.’

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