Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well..
Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The deaf sister said to her twin, “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!” said the other. “Now get a little closer together,” said the cameraman. Again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “HE SAYS, ‘SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.'” So they wiggled up close to each other. “Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus a little,” said the photographer. Yet again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “HE SAYS HE’S GONNA FOCUS! ”
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, “OH LARD JESUS! – BOTH OF US????”
Today’s riddle for seniors…Here is the situation:
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop-off.
On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to
overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round and go home!
Over & Out,
Jeff
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
‘Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, “MALE & FEMALE” procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.’
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MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
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FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
.
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No,” said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?””
No way!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited.
“Well, go look in the garage,” she said.
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant… “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”
The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You rotten bastard!”
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”
Paddy stands up and says, “I’m sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I’ve lived next door to that arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”
Australian Telephone Operator: “G’day mate, Helpline here. What’s the problem?”
Caller: “I’m in the Outback with the girlfriend and she’s been stung on her THIGH by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!”
Australian Telephone Operator: “Bummer!”
Caller: “Great advice! Thanks mate, bye.
A Syrian Air Force transport flying over the
Mediterranean sends out a MAYDAY message:”This is
Syrian Air Force #174 announcing we have lost one
engine and want to land at any airport in the Middle
East OTHER than Israel !”
No answer.
A while later he announces, “This is Syrian Air Force #174 again. We have
now lost two engines and need to land at any airport Middle East OTHER than
Israel !”
Silence.
A short while later the captain announces, “This is Syrian Air Force #174.
We are desperate. We have now lost THREE engine’s and urgently ask
permission to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!”
Still no answer.
Finally the captain calls out, “Help! This is Syrian Air
Force #174. We have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing.
Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at
ANY airport in the Middle East INCLUDING Israel !”
Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian cockpit: “Shalom Syrian
Air Force # 174. This is Tel Aviv approach control. We would like to help.”
“Allah be praised,” says the Syrian pilot. “Please give me instructions.”
“Do you speak Hebrew?”
“No.”
“OK, then please repeat after me:
Yis-ga-dal V-yis-ka-dash Sh-mai Rab-bo……”