The Elderly Irish Virgin. In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town’s undertaker, (who also happened to be the local postal clerk), to make proper “final” arrangements.
As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: “BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN”. Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid’s final request considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma, finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin’s tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, it read: “RETURNED UNOPENED”
I thought you already posted the joke for this week (Misfit intros new 32″ wheel).
London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from
LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ” Licence and registration, please.”
London Lawyer says, “What for?”
Glasgow cop says, “Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Glasgow cop says, “Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please”
London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
Glasgow cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to a complete stop, that’s the law, Licence and registration, please!”
London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
Glasgow cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living crap out of the lawyer and says,
“Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon? “
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,
to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners…
‘ ‘Go away!’ said the old lady. ”I’m broke and haven’t got any money!”
and she proceeded to close the door..
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open…
”Don’t be too hasty!” he said. ”Not until you have at least seen my demonstration..”
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
”Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”
The old lady stepped back and said, ”Well let me get you a fork,
’cause they cut off my electricity this morning.”
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
“Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Sure. Coming right up.”
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee……
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter:
“Want coffee.”
The waiter says “Whoa!
We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?”
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
“Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave shit for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day.”
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather tentatively.
“I would like it infrequently,” she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,
“Is that one word or two?”