A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day’s meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. ‘”‘m afraid not, sir” the clerk told him apologetically, “but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.”
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted 15.00 Yen and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, showing the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read “Manicures, 20.00 Yen.” Why not? thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read “This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 1 Yen.” The salesman looked both ways, put one Yen in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off… With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit… which now had a button sewn neatly on the end…
A burglar broke into a house one night. As he was prowling around with his flashlight looking for valuables to steal, he suddenly heard a voice from the dark say, “Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin and clicked off his flashlight and froze. When he heard nothing more after awhile, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, and began searching for more valuables.
After about a minute he heard as clear as a bell that same voice again say, “Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot in a cage.
“Did you say that?”, he hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed. “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the hell are you?”
“I’m Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
“The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
On January 2nd of this year Davy Jones lead singer for the 60’s pop group the Monkeys passed away.
The following morning headlines in the Washington Post read: “LEAD MONKEY DEAD”
It took the secret service several hours to get Joe Biden to calm down and stop running around the white house yelling, “I’m the President!”, “I’m the President!”
A man was telling his buddy “You won’t believe what happened last night.
My daughter walked into the living room and said, “Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. Don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.”
“Holy Smokes,” replied the friend, “she actually said that?”
“Well, she didn’t put it quite like that. She actually said, ‘Dad, meet my new boyfriend– Mohammed. We’re going to work together on Hillary’s election campaign!'”
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, “Do you have a condom?”
Donald frowned and said, “No.”
Daisy told Donald that if he didn’t get a condom, they could not have sex.
“Maybe they sell them at the front desk,” she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
“Yes, we do,” the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, “Would you like me to put them on your bill?”
“Thit No!” Donald quacked, “I’ll thuffocate!”
What the Fire Commander Said! Priceless!
For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
Not fair to make judgement of this,
until you see what the Fire Commander says!!!!
In Macquarie Fields, NSW, a 4-flat housing trust property
was destroyed by a fire.
A Maori family of 9, all welfare recipients and gang
members, lived on the right first floor flat. They died.
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in
the country from Pakistan , lived on the right ground floor flat. They, too, all perished.
Five Aborigines, all ex-cons lived on the left ground
floor. They, too, died.
A white couple lived on the left first floor flat.
The couple survived the fire.
Various multicultural agencies were furious!!
They flew into Sydney and met with the fire commander.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why 21 Maoris’,
Muslims and Aborigines all died in the fire and why only
the white couple lived?
The Fire Commander said,
“They were at work.”
Those all great ,,:-)