No Speaka de English…
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request, so in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn’t know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…
What were you thinking?
Her husband speaks English!
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at nearby pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, ‘No, not really.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
Then she beat the shit out of me….
Women have always been hard for me to figure out.
God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking, and sex if she wants to get into heaven. The woman said she would try her best.
God visited The woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
“Not bad,” said the woman. “I’ve given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side, and made love to me right then and there!
They don’t like that in heaven,” said God.
The woman replied: “They’re not too happy about it in Costco either!”
-nicker-
(just wondering if that would be a problem for “the people of Walmart”)