Joke Of The week

joke12A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, ‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’ The priest replies, ‘My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.’ The drunk muttered in response, ‘Well, I’ll be darned,’ then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. ‘I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?’ The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does”. (sent by Troy at Accutronix)


11 Responses to “Joke Of The week”

  1. 1 Jeff Nicklus Apr 25th, 2009 at 11:20 am

    Two families moved from Afghanistan to the United States.

    When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet. After a year’s time, whichever family had become more Americanized would win.

    A year later they got together.

    The first man said, “My son is playing baseball, I ate at McDonald’s for breakfast, and I’m on my way to pick up a case of Bud. How about you?”

    The second man replied, “Fuck you, towel-head.”

    Over & Out,


  2. 2 Jeff Nicklus Apr 25th, 2009 at 11:30 am


    1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet…Faggot.

    2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer– it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog… ‘Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!’ Now think about how you call a cat…’Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!’ Jeeez you’re so queer.

    3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

    4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

    5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you’re as fairy as tinkerbell. A straight man will never be heard ordering a ‘Decaf Soy Latte’. If you’ve put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you’ve had a man there too.

    6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.

    7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

    Over & out,


  3. 3 the other fred Apr 25th, 2009 at 11:15 pm

    What Men Mean
    Haven’t I seen you before? = Nice ass

    I’m a Romantic = I’m poor

    I need you” = My hand is tired

    I am different from all the other guys = I am not circumcised

    I want a commitment = I’m sick of masturbation

    You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about = You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me

    I really want to get to know you better = So I can tell my friends about it

    It’s just orange juice, try it = 3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head

    he’s kinda cute = I want to have sex with her till I am blue

    I don’t know if I like her = She won’t sleep with me

    I miss you so much = I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good

    Was it good for you? = I’m insecure about my manhood

    How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small

    I had a wonderful time last night = Who the hell are you

    o you love me? = I’ve done something stupid and you might find out

    Do you ‘really’ love me? = I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later

    How much do you love me? = I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on his/her way to tell you about it now

    I have something to tell you = Get tested

    I’ll give you a call = I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again

    I’ve been thinking a lot = You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk

    I think we should just be friends = You’re ugly

    I’ve learned a lot from you =

  4. 4 the other fred Apr 25th, 2009 at 11:17 pm

    OOPs ! cut off last line:

    I’ve learned alot from you = NEXT !

  5. 5 Jeff Nicklus Apr 26th, 2009 at 4:37 pm


    The US Navy has stated that the Navy seals could have acted faster and rescued the captain of the Maersk Alabama last week, but had to wait until the White House could confirm that none of the pirates were related to Obama!!

    Over & out,


  6. 6 Jeff Nicklus Apr 27th, 2009 at 5:11 pm

    While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texan, who’s hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to President Obama.

    The old rancher said, ‘Well, ya know, Obama is a ‘Post Turtle”.
    Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was.

    The old rancher said, ‘When you’re driving down a Texas Ranch road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle’.

    The old Texan saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued to explain. ‘You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, and he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with’.

    Over & Out,


  7. 7 Jeff Nicklus Apr 28th, 2009 at 9:08 am

    In South Los Angeles , a fire destroyed a fourplex.
    A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.

    An Islamic group of seven Kenyan welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.

    Six LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

    One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

    Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious.. They flew into LA and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

    The fire chief replied, “They were at work.”

    Over & Out,


  8. 8 dragon Apr 28th, 2009 at 9:09 pm

    sleeping beauty,superman and pinico were walking down the street and sleeping beauty saw a sign that said beauty contest and went in and won they all walked on down the street and saw a sign that sayed he-man contest superman went in and won so they walked on down the street and saw a sign that sayed liying contest so pinico went in and after about half hour came out crying just all tore up so superman and sleeping beauty said what happened in there, pincio said who the hell is obama

  9. 9 Gypsy Apr 29th, 2009 at 10:35 am

    Loving Wife:

    A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
    Inside, he finds a couple in bed.
    He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
    While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed
    the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
    then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

    While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
    ‘Listen, this guy is probably an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
    He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail
    and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
    I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,
    don’t resist, don’t complain…do what ever he tells you.
    Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
    This guy is obviously very dangerous.
    If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both.
    Be strong, honey. I love you!’

    His wife responds: ‘He wasn’t kissing my neck.
    He was whispering in my ear.
    He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute,
    and asked if we had any Vaseline.
    I told him it was in the bathroom.
    Be strong honey. I love you too.’

  10. 10 Gypsy Apr 29th, 2009 at 10:38 am

    Re Post Turtle Joke – originally posted Sep 2008 about Sarah Palin:

  11. 11 Grayhawk Apr 29th, 2009 at 9:27 pm

    That’s How the Fight Started for those of you with Spouses or Signifigent Others, should be worth a laugh or two.

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

    I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered..

    I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”

    So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend..”

    And that’s when the fight started…..


    I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

    “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.

    So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”


    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

    I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

    The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

    I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
    ‘The weather out there is terrible.’

    My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’


    A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

    Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

    The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy Shit.

    That must be my husband!’

    So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

    A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’

    The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’


    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14..95.

    Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

    I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

    And then the fight started…..


    A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

    She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

    I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

    The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’



    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    “I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”

    He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?””

    Nah, she can order for herself.”


    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
    and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

    My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

    ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

    ‘My God!’ said my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

    And then the fight started…


    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.

    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

    I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt.’ So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

    She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’
    and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

    She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’


    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

    She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

    I bought her a scale.

    And then the fight started…



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