Italian Joke Of The Week

joke112[1]Why Italian Grandfathers Pass Their Handguns Down Through The Family:

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. “Elio, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.” “But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?” “You lissina me, boy.  Somma day you gonna be running da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a bigga home and maybe a couple of bambinos.”  “Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘”Time’s Up ?”

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15 Responses to “Italian Joke Of The Week”


  1. 1 Doug Cahn Oct 22nd, 2009 at 2:17 pm

    Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work for a habitat for humanity house;
    Lynn was nailing down the siding, she would reach in to her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
    Judy figuring this was worth looking into asked Why are you throwing all those nails away?
    Lynn explained, when I pull a nail out of the pouch about half of them have the head on the wrong end, so I throw them away.
    Judy got completely upset and screamed, You Moron, those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the otherside of the house!!!
    Thanx
    Doug

  2. 2 Doug Cahn Oct 22nd, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    A Married Italian went to the confessional and said to his preist, I almost had an afair with another woman.
    The preist said what do you mean almost?
    The Italian said, well we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.
    The preist said rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance say 5 hail mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.
    The Italian left the confessional, said his prayers and then walked to the poor box, he paused for a moment and then started to leave.
    The preist who was watching, quickly ran overto him saying, I saw that, you didn’t put any money in the poor box!
    The Italian replied, yeah but i rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you that’s the same as putting it in!!!
    Thanx
    Doug

  3. 3 FUJI Oct 22nd, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    Your Italian when you have been to a funeral where talk of the deceased is, “He shoulda kept his big yap shut.”

  4. 4 FUJI Oct 22nd, 2009 at 4:57 pm

    Italian Jokes
    The World’s Funniest Italian Joke Site

    Have you ever seen an Italian nativity scene?
    It has Jesus, Mary, and three wise guys.

    ——————————————————————————–

    Q: What’s the difference between an Italian grandmother and an elephant?

    A: 50 pounds and a black dress.

    ——————————————————————————–

    At the World Women’s Conference, the first speaker from England stood up:
    “At last year’s conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.”

    The crowd cheered.
    The second speaker from America stood up:
    “After last year’s conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well.”

    The crowd cheered.

    The third speaker from Italy stood up:
    “After last year’s conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye.”

    ——————————————————————————–

    A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
    The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

    “Emma come first.
    Den I come.
    Den two asses come together.
    I come once-a-more.
    Two asses, they come together again.
    I come again and pee twice.
    Then I come one lasta time.”
    “You foul-mouthed swine, ” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”

    “Hey, coola down lady,” said the man.
    “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella Mississippi.”

  5. 5 FUJI Oct 22nd, 2009 at 5:31 pm

    Sorry I only meant to paste and copy the last joke.
    Maybe some day we can have oriental jokes.

  6. 6 Jeff Nicklus Oct 22nd, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    Fuji,

    OK, we have had numerous White Jokes, Indian Jokes, Italian Jokes, Irish Jokes, Blonde Jokes, Rag Head Jokes, animal jokes, we have a Black Joke in the White House, yep …. it is time for Oriental Jokes!

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  7. 7 FUJI Oct 22nd, 2009 at 8:46 pm

    jeff .

    Bring them on my friend . Just remember gray hair rules ha ha . Gray hair is God’s graffiti so I have heard and you and I have our share. Handsome we are.
    By the way God bless America my wife just went back to work [ it must have been the Obama plan ] after 8 months. Talk about gray hair.
    Thanks for asking, my health is good it’s my age that’s bad.

  8. 8 Jeff Nicklus Oct 23rd, 2009 at 9:18 am

    FUJI,

    Here you go,

    A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

    Most honorable sir:

    You leave house.
    He come house.
    I watch.
    He and she leave house.
    I follow.
    He and she get on train.
    I follow.
    He and she go in hotel.
    I climb tree-look in window.
    He kiss she.
    She kiss he.
    He strip she.
    She strip he.
    He play with she.
    She play with he.
    I play with me.
    Fall out of tree, not see.
    NO FEE.

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  9. 9 FUJI Oct 23rd, 2009 at 2:26 pm

    A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a Houston restuarant.. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the 3 men are furiously touching themselves! She asks, “What the hell are you perverts doing?”, to which one of the men replied, “We all berry hungry”! She responds, “But why are you whacking off?” One of the three says, “Because menu say `first come, first served!”

  10. 10 Jeff Nicklus Oct 23rd, 2009 at 4:40 pm

    FUJI,

    OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ….. got me there!

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  11. 11 Jeff Nicklus Oct 23rd, 2009 at 5:27 pm

    A Chinese man arranged for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undressed, climbed into bed, and went at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and commenced a repeat performance.

    The hooker was impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and started again!

    The hooker was amazed at this sequence. During the fifth encounter, she decided to try it herself. When they were done she jumped up, went to the window and took a deep breath of fresh air, dove under the bed to find 4 other Chinese men.

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  12. 12 FUJI Oct 23rd, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    jeff . good one

  13. 13 Doug Cahn Oct 24th, 2009 at 7:50 am

    After Mr. & Mrs Nicklus retired, Mrs Nicklus insisted that her husband accompany her on her frequent trips to Walmart.

    Unfortunately, Mr. Nicklus was like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
    Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Nicklus was like most women and loved to browse.
    One day Mrs. Nicklus received the following letter from her local Walmart.

    Dear Mrs. Nicklus,
    Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate his behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Nicklus are listed below and are documented by our video surveilance cameras.

    1. June15: Took 24 boxes of comdoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they weren’t looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarms in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

    3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

    4. July 19: walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice”Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.”

    5.August 4: Went to the service desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.

    6. Sept.14: Moved a”Caution- Wet Floor” sign to a carpeted area.

    7. Sept15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring blankets and pillows from the bedding department..

    8. Sept.23: When a clerk asked asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

    9. Oct.4: Looked right into the security camera, and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. Oct.10: While handeling guns in the in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were?

    11. Dec.3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible” theme.

    12. Dec.6: In the automotive department he practiced his “Madonna look” by using different sizes of funnels.

    13. Dec.18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “Pick Me! Pick Me!.”

    14. Dec.21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker he assumed a fetal possition and screamed, “OH NO! IT”S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”

    15. Dec.23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, Hey! There’s NO Toilet Paper In Here!”

    We do appreciate your business, but we’re hoping in the future, could you PLEASE leave Mr. Nicklus at home?

  14. 14 Jeff Nicklus Oct 25th, 2009 at 8:43 pm

    Doug,

    What you don’t know is Mrs. Nicklus has me on restrictions at Sams, Foleys, Target, several grocery stores as well as Wal-Mart …. Damn I hate that!

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  15. 15 Shattered Image Oct 26th, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    What do you get when you cross a computer with a prostitude? A F*^)@$% Know it All….

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