Joke Of The Week

joke112[1]A husband left this note on the fridge. “My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be upset—-I shall be home before midnight”.

When the man came home later that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

“My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.  As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference – 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow (Sent by Troy)

Zipper's

24 Responses to “Joke Of The Week”


  1. 1 Jeff Nicklus Feb 4th, 2010 at 10:13 am

    Remember when Ronald Reagan was president.

    We also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash…

    Now we have Obama and no Hope and no Cash

    Ha … I beat Fugi to the political Joke!

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  2. 2 fuji Feb 4th, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    I can’t beat that one , still laughing.
    Just remember I ‘m older than you . I jut got up, from sleeping I think

  3. 3 fuji Feb 4th, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    How many on this blog even remember Reagan. LOL

  4. 4 john reed Feb 4th, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    A young married couple arrived at their honeymoon hotel, they went in their room ,he took off his pants threw them to his new wife and said
    “Put my pants on”
    she did and he said “That is the last and the only you will ever wear the pants in this marriage”
    She took them off and slipped her underwear off, put them on the bed and said
    ” Put these on”
    He picked them up and said
    “I will never get into your panties”
    and she said
    ” Until you changed your attitude your not”

  5. 5 fuji Feb 4th, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm,
    revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will
    buy a lady a drink?”

    The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the
    end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the
    counter and bellowed; “Give the ballerina a drink!”

    The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She
    turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,
    revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked; “What man here will buy
    a lady a drink?”

    Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the
    bar and said: “Give the ballerina another drink!”

    The bartender approached the little drunk and said; “I say, old chap,
    it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you
    keep calling her the ballerina?”

    The drunk replied; “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to
    be a ballerina!”

  6. 6 fuji Feb 4th, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    Subject: Privatizing social security

    >—–Here is the latest in Privatizing Social Security.
    >
    >If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
    >now be worth $49.00
    >
    >With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
    >
    >With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
    >
    >But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank
    >all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling
    >REFUND, you would have had $214.00.
    >
    >
    >Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
    >heavily and recycle.
    >
    >It’s called the 401-Keg Plan.
    >

  7. 7 Delski Feb 4th, 2010 at 5:53 pm

    You heard about the dad that told his son if he didn’t stop playin with him self he would go blind ?

    The boys says ” dad im over here “

  8. 8 fuji Feb 4th, 2010 at 6:57 pm

    This guy takes his girl friend hunting out in the woods when he collapses.

    He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The Girl friend takes out her phone and calls the emergency services.

    she gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

    The operator says, “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

    There is silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the girl friend says, “Okay, now what?” life is good.

  9. 9 raycwheeler Feb 4th, 2010 at 8:44 pm

    The guys new x-wife was standing in front of a beautiful full- length mirror commenting that she had gained weight and a massive amount of wrinkles and bumps, on and on and on.

    Honey, what else can possibly go wrong?

    Well, not your eye sight, its perfect.

    raycwheeler usa

  10. 10 Jim Feb 5th, 2010 at 9:14 am

    A little boy is taking a bath. While in the tub he is looking at and playing with his privates. He looks at his mom and asks: Are these my brains?

    The mom answers: No, not yet!!!

  11. 11 fuji Feb 5th, 2010 at 10:42 am

    Onestone

    After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, “If
    anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!” The word got around and
    nobody called him that any more.

    Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, “Good
    morning, Onestone.” He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
    the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love
    to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

    The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
    Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman
    named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

    Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
    Onestone. She hugged him and said, “Good to see you, Onestone.”

    Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to
    her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
    made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!

    What is the moral of this story?????……..You can’t kill two birds with one stone!!!

  12. 12 cwglide Feb 5th, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    A blonde walks in a library and says to the libarian “I’ll have a cheeseburger, fries and coke please”. The librian answers ” Miss this is a library”. The blonde whispers ” Cheeseburger, fries and coke please”

  13. 13 Boss Hawg Feb 5th, 2010 at 5:02 pm

    ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 – CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

    A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, she had the man arrested.

    The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 yearsold) what he had to say for himself..

    The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition”
    .
    She sat under a sweets sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.

    Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ” Logan ‘s Liniment will reduce the swelling, and I had to smile.

    Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,” and I could hardly contain myself.

    But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident”… I just lost it.”

    CASE DISMISSED!

    Boss Hawg

  14. 14 Joe Skonecki Feb 5th, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    For all of us that had to learn how to use tools the hard way, or still learning.

    BAND SAW:
    A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
    good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
    the trash can, after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
    the outside edge.

    BELT SANDER:
    An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up
    jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    DRILL PRESS:
    A tall upright machine used to suddenly snatch flat metal bar
    stock out of your hand so that it smacks you in the chest and
    flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted
    project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing
    could damage it.

    FLAT SCREWDRIVER:
    A tool for opening paint cans.Sometimes used to convert common
    slotted screws into non-removable screws and for butchering your
    palms.

    HACKSAW:
    One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
    principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked,
    unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
    course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    HAMMER:
    Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
    used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
    adjacent to the object you are trying to hit.

    HOSE CUTTER:
    A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
    Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have
    installed your new wheel bearings, trapping the jack handle
    firmly under the bumper.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
    Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in
    your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
    wheel hub from which you want to remove a bearing race.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
    Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
    old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
    shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
    Phillips screw heads.

    PLIERS:
    Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
    blood-blisters.

    PRY BAR:
    A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
    you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    TABLE SAW:
    A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
    projectiles in tests of wall integrity.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
    A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you
    forgot to disconnect.

    VISE-GRIPS:
    Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
    If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
    intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    WIRE WHEEL:
    Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
    workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
    hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
    to say, “Ah, sh**!”

    SKILL SAW:
    A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    UTILITY KNIFE:
    Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
    delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
    such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
    collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
    Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while being
    worn.

    SON OF A B*TCH TOOL:
    Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
    yelling “SON OF A B*TCH!!!” at the top of your lungs. It is
    also, most often, the tool that you will need next.

    And always remember the Carpenter’s law: Measure twice, cut to
    fit, pound into place.

  15. 15 nicker Feb 8th, 2010 at 1:34 am

    Hi,
    I’m the friggen Happiness Elf.
    I just sprinkled Happiness Dust all over your-ass.
    So smiled, damn it!
    This shit’s expensive.

    -nicker-

  16. 16 nicker Feb 8th, 2010 at 1:46 am

    A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

    When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa’s room.

    “Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly, “As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”

    “What?” said her Grandpa.

    “Make a noise like a frog – because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land!”

    -nicker-

  17. 17 Svante Feb 8th, 2010 at 10:13 am

    Thoughts about friends…..

    Friends are like undearwear – they are close to you

    Friends are like condoms – they protect you

    Friends are like Viagra – they keep you up when you are down

    -svante-

  18. 18 Jeff Nicklus Feb 8th, 2010 at 11:00 am

    A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,”Can I help you Sir?”

    “Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr”, the man replies.

    The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?”

    “It wasss on the end of thisshh key”, the man replies.

    About that time the cop looks down and sees the man’s wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

    He asks the man, “Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”

    Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out….

    “Holy shit! My girlfriend’s gone, too!!

    Yes, I am back fro Cincinnati!

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  19. 19 Shattered Image Feb 8th, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and Lady Di arrive at the pearly gates. St. Peter explains that only one can get through and that the each have to put forward their case for entry. Freddie says ” I know I haven’t led a perfect life and I’ve made some mistakes along the way. But I’ve made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I’ll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be”. “Pretty good, Fred” said St. Peter, “what about you Gianni?” Versace says, ” I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I’ll completely redesing the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place”. “not bad” says St. Peter. “what about you Di?” Diana doesn’t say a word. Instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of evian water into her fanny, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gushes out all over the floor. “Excellent. your in” says St. Peter. “Hold on a freaking minute” says Freddie “She didn’t even say anything” “Bollocks, Fred.” You know the rules says St. Peter. ” A royal flush beats a pair of Queens…”

  20. 20 Shattered Image Feb 8th, 2010 at 6:27 pm

    “Little Old Lady In Court”

    Your honor, I am 86 years old.

    So here I am, sitting there on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes
    creeping up on the porch and sits beside me.

    He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honor. So i don’t stop him, and he begins to rub
    my old breasts, Your Honor

    Why, Your Honor, I haven’t felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him,
    “Take me, young man, Take Me!”

    He yelled, “April Fool” and that’s when I shot the S.O.B

  21. 21 Shattered Image Feb 8th, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    “Laundry Day”

    A man and his wife had gotten into the habit of referring to making love as “doing the laundry” so
    their kid’s wouldn’t know what was up.

    One day the man came home from work and said to his wife, “Honey, let’s do some laundry.”
    “not now,” she said. “I’ve had a hard day and I just wanna watch a little T.V.”

    “ok,” He says, “I’m gonna go take a nap.”

    Time passed and the missus decided that a little laundry might be just the thing so she joined her
    hubby in the bedroom.

    “i’ve changed my mind, let’s do some laundry” she said.

    “Sorry ,” said the husband, ” but I just had a small load, so I did it by hand.”

  22. 22 GRIP ACE - DIGITAL SWITCHES Feb 8th, 2010 at 9:27 pm

    I have tears in my eyes from laughing. Keep them jokes coming

  23. 23 Jeff Nicklus Feb 10th, 2010 at 2:18 pm

    A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

    He approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s with the money in the jar?”

    “Well…, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus.”

    The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up, so he asks, “What are the three tests?”

    “You gotta pay first,” says the bartender, “those are the rules.”

    So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar..

    “Okay,” says the bartender, “here’s what you need to do:

    First – You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can’t make a face while doing it.”

    “Second – There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.”

    “Third – There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who’s never had sex. You have to take care of that problem.”

    The man is stunned! “I know I paid my $10 — but I’m not an idiot! I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!”

    “Your call,” says the bartender, “but, your money stays where it is.”

    As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, “Where’s the damn tequila?!”

    He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks — but he doesn’t make a face — and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

    Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight — then nothing but
    silence!

    Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he’s bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, “Now…, where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?”

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  24. 24 dmitriy Feb 12th, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    A kindergarten pupil told his teacher that he’s found a cat, but it was dead.
    “How do you know the cat was dead?”” she asked him.
    “Because I pissed in it’s ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
    “You did WHAT?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
    “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

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