A biker walked into a drug store in Waco , Texas and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him. The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The biker then agreed and began by saying … ‘
This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a … permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.’ The pharmacist said “‘Just a minute, I’ll talk to my sister.” When she returned, she said … “We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is as follows: “1/3 ownership in the store… a company pickup truck … two home cooked dinners a week …. and $3,000 a month in living expenses.”
Ha! More like dream of the week!
And there you have it…
The cause of (and solution to) all of life’s problems!
My local tattoo shop owner is reading a book titled “How to live with a big penis”. Something I will NEVER have to worry about! peace
You Gotta Be Shittin Me
Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase ‘You Gotta Be Shittin Me’?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington’s boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and His troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted . He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, ‘General, I see lights ahead.’ They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn’t know was that this was a house of Ill Repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, ‘Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired , wet, exhausted , and desperately need warmth and comfort.’
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, ‘Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?’
Washington replied , ‘Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.’
And the Madam said, ‘You gotta be shittin me.’
Boss Hawg
Cop pulls over an old lady who’s driving about 15 miles an hour. As he walks up to the car, he sees another old lady sitting in the back seat with an absolutely horrifed look on her face who has obviously had an accident in her pants. He asks if there is a problem and why they were travelling so slow. The old lady driver answers, “No officer, I’m just going the speed limit”.
The cop says, “Excuse me ma’am but the speed limit is 55 here”.
Old lady driver says, “But the sign back there says 15.”
The cop gets it now and says, “No ma’am, that’s a highway sign. We are on Highway 15. By the way, is your friend alright back there?”
The old lady driver chuckles to herself and says, “Oh my, yes. You see, we just turned off Highway 120.”
LOL thats great!
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. “Wow, this is great,” he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free, having fun and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey,” he called. “I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?”
“Yes. Come and join us,” they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good, unlike his tasteless food he grew up with. “What else do you wild rabbits do?” he asked. “Well,” one of them said. “You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.” This he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”
“You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.” The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. “Is there anything else you guys do?” he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. “There’s one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,” he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. “They’re girls. We **** them. Go and try it.” Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. “That was fantastic,” he panted. “So are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked. “I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.” The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. “Why? We thought you liked it here.”
“I do,” our friend replied. “But I must get back to the laboratory. I’m dying for a cigarette.”
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker,
but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water
on the side table. And, next to them, was a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him,
all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean; so is the rest
of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark
from his wife in lipstick:
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian”
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and
then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”
His son replies, “Oh THAT… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed….
“Leave me alone, I’m married!!”
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. … PRICELESS
Fredp,
That is friggin great ….. I just blew Ice Tea out my nose.
Over & Out,
Jeff
ONE for the MARINES
A young Air Force Flight Officer was in a terrible car accident, but
due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was
the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military,
became a Pilot, and eventually became a General.
However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the General was interviewing an Air Force First Sergeant, a
Chief Master Sergeant and a Marine Master Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.
The First Sergeant was an Administrator who really knew his stuff and
it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked
him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
The First Sergeant answered, “Why yes sir. I couldn’t help but notice
you are missing your right ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts
your hearing on that side.”
The General got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of
his office.
The next candidate, a Chief Master Sergeant, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes sir, you seem to be short one ear.” The General threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Master Gunnery Sergeant.
He was articulate, extremely sharp, a P.T Stud and seemed to know
more than the two Air Force E-9’s put together. The General wanted
this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
“Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise the Master Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes, sir. You wear contact lenses.”
The General was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine, I gotta have this guy on my staff. “And how do you know that?” the General asked.
The Marine Master Gunnery Sergeant replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fuckin’ ear”.
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.” “Very good,” said the teacher.
Little Mary was next: “I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events. ” “Very good, Mary” said the teacher
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath … Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk “$2,467,” he said.
“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”
“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.
“Toothbrushes!” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money”
“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny. “I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.” They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog crap!” Then I would say,”It is dog crap. Wanna’ buy a toothbrush?” “I used the Obama approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth.”
Over & Out,
Jeff