A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. “You’ll be fine,” he said. She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl…..”What’s the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won’t I?” He replied, “Yes, you’ll be fine. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.”
Your kind of girl!
I called the Rape Advice Hotline today, unfortunately it is only for victims.
The focus on the computer is a dead set giveaway . . . a little more attention to the capabilities of the human eye and its undiluted perceptive powers would be a welcome addition to the ‘Motor Company’s’ output . . . . . despite my belief that the ’72 is a timely replacement fot the ‘Custom’ skirtster.
Hey Dog….you sure you don’t need another cup of coffee??
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, ‘Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!’
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, ‘Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.’
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
‘Gee, Mom,’ he exclaimed. ‘For me?’
‘Just take two,’ Brenda replied. ‘The rest are for your father.’
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
‘Your Honor,’ she began coolly, ‘I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.’
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa: ‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.’
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’
Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. ‘So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’
‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies.
‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’
Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’
Groups of Canadians were traveling by tour bus through Holland.. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. ‘These’ she explained, ‘Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.’ She then asked, ‘What do you do in America with your old goats?’
A spry old gentleman answered, ‘They send us on bus tours.”
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand. He said, ‘Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!’
The preacher said, ‘Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.’
The man said, ‘I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!’
The preacher said, ‘No shit?’
Two bikers were standing around drinking beer when a dog walked up sat down and started licking itself. The one biker said to the other “I wish I could do that” the other biker replied “You could but I bet you’ll get bit”
An elderly Ukrainian man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite
Ukrainian perogies with fried onions wafting up the stairs. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands,
he crawled downstairs. Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen,
where if not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there,
spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite perogies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture.
His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the perogies was already in his mouth.
With a trembling hand he reached for a perogie at the edge of the table,
when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
“Fuck off.” she said. “They’re for the funeral.”
A lady reporter goes out to do a story on an Indian tribe. She is walking around when she comes across a young brave wearing one feather in his head band.
She askes why do you have one feather in your headband?
He tells her ” me have one feather me have one woman”
She says that is interesting and walks on when she comes across another brave but this brave has two feathers so she askes “excuse me sir why do you have two feathers in your head band?
Me have two feather me have two woman.
She is starting to see a pattern when she comes across the cheif who has many feathers that hang all the way down to the ground. The lady reporter askes him ” cheif why do you have so many feathers?
Me have many feather me have many woman.
Is that not rather hostile?
Hostile, dog style no matter to me.
OH dear!!
No dear run too fast pussy too high.
Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to…. and there was his doctor, Sven.
“Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot.”
“What’s the bad news?”, asks Ole
“The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister, Zena .”
“Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” says Ole. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”
“Not exactly,” Sven says. “She’s a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She’s going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don’t piss in your eye.”
Over & Out,
Jeff