A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, APPEARS TO kiss her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: ‘Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain… Do whatever he tells you.. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey.. I love you.’
His wife responds: ‘He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay. He thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too…’
Read all the way to the end….****
One day a woman’s husband died, and on that clear, cold morning, in the warmth of their bedroom, the wife was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn’t “anymore”.
No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more “just one minute.”
Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never to return before we can say good-bye, say “I love you.”
So while we have it, it’s best we love it, care for it, fix it when it’s broken and heal it when it’s sick.
This is true for marriage…..And old cars… And children with bad report cards, and dogs with bad hips, and aging parents and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.
Some things we keep — like a best friend who moved away or a sister-in-law after divorce. There are just some things that make us happy, no matter what.
Life is important, like people we know who are special.. And so, we keep them close!
Suppose one morning you never wake up, do all your friends know how you really feel? The important thing is to let every one of your friends know your true feelings, even if you think they don’t love you back.
So, just in case I’m gone tomorrow….
Please vote against that asshole, Obama
Tony, You must have meant vote against “smiles & lies” Romney
Uh-oh! Please don’t let this joke forum turn into a political debate again. We made it through last week’s joke without one political statement. Leave the politics to CNN and Fox, let’s use this forum to laugh, at least on the Joke of the Week thread.
I just have to say that this joke almost made me go to the bathroom in my pants. It was so funny I copied and pasted it so I can share it with everyone I know. I bet the husband wasn’t saying all that once he new the truth. The husband should have known better if he just got out of prision and has been in there for awhile of course he’s going to go after the husband thats what he’s use to. Keep them coming your jokes are the best.
ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION.
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 with monthly payments of $560.00. He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin .
It’s mid-winter…and of course all of the lakes are frozen.
These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new Lincoln NAVIGATOR.
They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.
Now:
Making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.
So…out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.
Our two Rocket Scientists — afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator) — decide on the following course of action:
They light the 40 second fuse; then,with a mighty thrust,they throw the stick of dynamite stick as far away as possible.
But:
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG?
Let’s talk about the dog:
A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it…The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse…just as it hits the ice.
The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop.
The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.
One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.
The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on.
Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane!
The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Lincoln Navigator.
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog’s rear end…he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.
Then, KABOOOOOM!
The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with ‘I can’t believe this just happened’ looks on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.
The dog is okay…doing fine.
-nicker-
Hey Nicker….” Suicide shifter” Most of my customers want one so they must be real eh? peace
Nicker: Being from Wisconsin, I can attest to the fact that we have so many from Illinois (commonly reffered to as F.I.B.s) that come here to fish, it probably is true. That Navigator probably had a picture of Lincoln on the license plate…
Streets Paved with Gold
Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London .
Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and
sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said: “Suits £5.00
each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair”.
Paddy says to his pal, “Mick, look! We could buy a whole
lot of dose and when we get back to Ireland we could make
a fookin’ fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be
quiet, OK? Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear
our accent, they might not be nice to us. I’ll speak in my
best English accent.”
“Roight y’are, Paddy, I’ll keep me mouth shut, so I will,”
replies Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, “I’ll take 50 suits at £5.00 each,
100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each.
I’ll back up my van and…”
The owner of the shop interrupts. “You’re from Ireland ,
aren’t you?”
“Well… Yes,” says a surprised Paddy. “How der hell d’ y’
know dat?”
The owner replied, “Because this is a dry cleaners!”
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. ‘Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.’
‘I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..’
‘I agree,’ says the Father. ‘Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?’
‘Anything, Father.’
‘I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.’
‘Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.’
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
‘Sister, would you mind if I touched them?’…
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes..
‘Father, could I ask something of you?’
‘Yes, Sister?’
‘I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?’
‘I suppose that would be OK,’ the Priest replied lifting his robe.
‘Oh Father, may I touch it?’
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
‘Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give Life.’
‘Is that true Father?’
‘Yes, it is, Sister.’
‘Oh Father, that’s wonderful … Stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!’
Hunting ducks with No. 8 birdshot?
An Accident
A Minnesota farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot attorney questioned him thus: ‘Didn’t you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?”
Olie responded: ‘vell, I’lla tell you vat happened dere. I’d yust loaded my fav’rit cow, Bessie, into da… ‘
‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the lawyer interrupted. ‘Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?’
Olie said, ‘vell, I’d yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin’ down da road…. ‘
The lawyer interrupted again and said, ‘Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ‘
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie’s answer and said to the attorney: ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie’.
Olie said: ‘Tank you’ and proceeded. ‘vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav’rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin’ her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.
By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn’t want to move. An even vurse dan dat, I could hear old Bessie a moanin’ and a groanin’. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin’ and a groanin’ too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feelin’?’
‘Now wot de heck vud you say?’
-nicker-
Hay burnput,
RE
“… Most of my customers want one so they must be real eh?…”
Ya, “real” break-in-bikers.
But if they’re spending money……………….. 🙂
-nicker-
sorry, fat fingers….
that would be “burnout”
-nicker-