A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?” She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, “No.”
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, “You finish?” Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, “No.”
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, “You finish?” Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, “No, I Swedish.”
lmfao…
An old timer once told me there are two things to remember when you get older.
1. Never let an erection go to waste.
2. A fart is not always just a fart.
Since my other two buddys have commented herein I now feel obligated to do so as well so here goes …..
A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested.
“If you want to cancel the wedding, then I’ll understand,” she said. The guy remarked, “I don’t mind that you’re flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway.”
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because he is just like a baby below the waist. The girl remarked, “I don’t mind that like a baby below the waist, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway.”
And so, the happy couple went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes. True to her word, she is as flat as a washboard. Then, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at his naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
When she regained consciousness, the guy said, “I told you before we got married, so why were you so surprised?”
“You told me it was just like a baby.”
The guy replied, “It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches long!”
Over & Out,
Jeff
Great!!! A buddy was telling me yesterday that Elks have sex 10-15 times a night……………………….And I just joined the Lion’s club! peace
His First Harley
A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker’s trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.
A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the
woman in front of her family.
And no one says a word…! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word…!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word…!!!!
By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, “Okay dammit, I’ll do the dishes.
Boss Hawg
A foursome of men is waiting at the men’s tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies’ tee.
The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the waiting men and says apologetically, “I guess all those f***king lessons I took over the winter didn’t help me.”
One of the men immediately responds, “Well, there you have it. You should have taken golfing lessons instead!”
He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43.
@ Boss Hawg,
that was funny, Man! Later Jay
Sex After Surgery
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
“You’ll be fine,” he said.
“How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?” The doctors blonde patient asked
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
“What’s the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won’t I?”
He replied “Yes, you’ll be fine. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.”
Over & Out,
Jeff
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of
the balls.
To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and
somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy
and said, “Did you see what your Monkey just did?
“No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table…whole!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the
guy, “he eats everything in sight, don’t worry, I’ll pay for the cue ball.”
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the
stuff the Monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came
back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey
started running around the bar. The Monkey found a maraschino cherry
on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck
it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, “Did
you see what your monkey just did?”
“No, what?” replied the man.
“Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy.
“He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first.”