Joke Of The week

cyril-huze-jokeIn a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the old Psychic lady delivered the grave news: “There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken with fear, Laura stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know. She met the Psychic’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked, “Will I be acquitted?”

Zipper's

13 Responses to “Joke Of The week”


  1. 1 Tony King Jan 11th, 2013 at 11:10 am

    An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

    Inside he finds a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall there’s a row of
    decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a
    dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

    Then the priest comes in.

    “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I
    must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

    The priest replies: “Get out, you moron, you’re on my side”.

  2. 2 bigitch Jan 11th, 2013 at 11:22 am

    hear about the new condom called the darth vader?
    the sales pitch is:

    I WILL NOT BE YOUR FATHER

  3. 3 Total Jan 11th, 2013 at 11:40 am

    A reporter asks Bill Clinton— “How’s Hillary’s head?”

    He replies, “Well………. she’s no Monica.”

  4. 4 nicker Jan 12th, 2013 at 12:10 am

    President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids.
    After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.

    “Walter,” responds the little boy.

    “And what is your question, Walter?”

    “I have four questions:

    First, why did the USA bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

    Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it’s actually gotten worse?

    Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?

    Fourth, why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?”

    Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

    When they resume, Obama says, “OK, where were we? Oh, that’s right: question time. Who has a question?”

    Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

    “Steve,” he responds.

    “And what is your question, Steve?”

    “Actually, I have two questions:

    First, why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

    Second, what the hell happened to Walter?”

    -nicker-

  5. 5 Olive Oil Jan 12th, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    A wealthy husband and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant
    when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to the table,
    gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

    The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that ?

    “Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.

    “Well, that’s the last straw” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce !”

    “I can understand that,” replied her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean
    no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany,
    no more new Jaguars in the garage at Christmas and no more yacht club. But, the decision is yours, my dear.”
    Just then, a male friend of the husbands enters the restaurant with a gorgeous blonde babe on his arm.
    “Who’s that woman with George ?” demands the wife.
    “That’s his mistress,” says her husband.
    “Ours is prettier,” she replies.

  6. 6 Olive Oil Jan 12th, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him
    and whacked him on the head with a magazine
    ‘What was that for?’ he asked.
    ‘That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.
    ‘Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’ he explained.
    ‘Oh darling, I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I should have known there was a good explanation.’

    Three days later he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again,
    this time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold.
    When he came to, he asked, ‘What was that for?
    ‘Your horse phoned.’

  7. 7 Olive Oil Jan 12th, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest
    of me Life, between the legs of me wife !”

    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

    He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best
    toast of The night.”

    She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said,
    “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me
    wife.”

    “Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

    The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the
    street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the
    prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

    She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
    know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. “Once I
    had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he
    fell asleep.”

  8. 8 Olive Oil Jan 12th, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

    It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”

    He says, “O.K., Get in the car with it.”

    “Where shall I put it to get it warm?”

    He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.”

    “But what about the smell?”

    “Just hold its little nose.”

    The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

  9. 9 Dave Blevins Jan 12th, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    A baby seal walked into a club…

  10. 10 Dave Blevins Jan 12th, 2013 at 3:03 pm

    Thought everyone might appreciate a bit quicker punchline!

  11. 11 nicker Jan 12th, 2013 at 9:45 pm

    Even quicker punch line………

    #42

    -nicker-

  12. 12 Dave Blevins Jan 12th, 2013 at 9:47 pm

    @ nicker…
    Very clever, I can dig it.

  13. 13 nicker Jan 12th, 2013 at 9:57 pm

    Great minds think alike…………………. 🙂

    -nicker-

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