Joke Of The Week

cyril-huze-jokeOn a long flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were. She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly. She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew. She turned to the first officer and asked “Well young man, what is your job?” He replied “Ma’am, I am the captain’s sexual advisor.”

Somewhat shocked, she said “I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?” “Very simple ma’am. The captain has told me that when he wants my fucking advice, he’ll ask me.”

11 Responses to “Joke Of The Week”

  1. 1 burnout Feb 15th, 2013 at 5:43 pm

    That’s what she said. peace

  2. 2 Olive Oil Feb 16th, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

    Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

    The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

    At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
    The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

    That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

    “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”

    The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated.
    The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

    10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

    Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, ‘I had no idea you were this religious..’

    The boy turns, and whispers back, ‘I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.’

  3. 3 Olive Oil Feb 16th, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

    The barman looks at him and says,

    “Hang on! You’re a duck.”

    “I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

    “And you can talk!”
    Exclaims the barman.

    “I see your ears are working, too,”
    Says the duck.

    “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”

    “Certainly, sorry about that,”

    Says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint.

    “It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?”

    “I’m working on the building site across the road,”
    Explains the duck.

    “I’m a plasterer.”

    The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

    So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

    The same thing happens for two weeks.

    Then one day the circus comes to town.

    The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

    “You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”

    “Sounds marvelous,”

    says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

    “Get him to give me a call.”

    So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

    “Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”

    “I’m always looking for the next job,”

    Says the duck.

    “Where is it?”

    “At the circus,”

    Says the barman.

    “The circus?”

    Repeats the duck.

    “That’s right,”

    Replies the barman.

    “The circus?”

    The duck asks again.

    with the big tent?”

    “Yeah,” the barman replies.

    “With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?” says the duck.

    “Of course,” the barman replies.

    “And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.

    “That’s right!” says the barman.

    The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ……

    “What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!”

  4. 4 Olive Oil Feb 16th, 2013 at 1:06 pm

    A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

  5. 5 Olive Oil Feb 16th, 2013 at 1:06 pm

    I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

  6. 6 Olive Oil Feb 16th, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

  7. 7 Olive Oil Feb 16th, 2013 at 1:08 pm

    My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!” “Oh,” I replied, “so now you want me to stay!”

  8. 8 Olive Oil Feb 16th, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.

  9. 9 Olive Oil Feb 16th, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

  10. 10 Olive Oil Feb 16th, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    An American tourist in a small village he was visiting in Newfoundland approached a local person and asked, “What’s the quickest way to Marystown?”

    The local scratched his head. “Are ya walkin or drivin?” he asked the stranger.
    “I’m driving,” said the stranger.
    The local replied, “That’s the quickest way.”

  11. 11 bigwave916 Feb 18th, 2013 at 11:39 am

    Old ladys and airplanes…always good for a laugh.

    On a recent flight, the Captain asked the First Officer to land the plane. The FO took the controls and just about the time he was to touch a wheel down a gust of wind slammed the thing down with a violent thud a shudder all the way through the fuselage. Company policy dictated that the Captain or First office stand in the cockpit door as the passengers deplaned. The two pilots looked at each other and the Captain said “No way, am I gonna face that crowd…you landed it, you take the heat”

    The FO takes his position and to his amazing the almost full airplane emptied out with not complaints. Then a little old lady drags her bags up the aisle, stops at the front and the FO says “Thank you for flying with us, have a nice evening” The old lady says “Sonny, can I ask you a question?” FO says “Why, yes ma’am” Old lady says “Did we land? Or were we shot down?”

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Cyril Huze