Joke Of The Week. Southern Cops Have A Way With Words

cyril-huze-jokeThese are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos.

1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”

2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.” (LOVE IT)

6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?” 

7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”

8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.” 

9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?” 

10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.” 

11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.” 

12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” (National Crime Information Center )

13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”

14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.” 

15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.” 


16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

18 Responses to “Joke Of The Week. Southern Cops Have A Way With Words”

  1. 1 Patrick Feb 21st, 2013 at 10:07 am

    Ha, ha, ha.

  2. 2 TW Crash Feb 21st, 2013 at 10:11 am

    That whole list is great just great!!! I think all police & sheriff departments should be trained with these & nastier ones and be REQUIRED to use them at every stop if given any lip from anyone in the stopped vehicle.

  3. 3 Rob Campbell Feb 21st, 2013 at 11:08 am

    “but officer, I was doin’ the speed limit!”

    “The speed-at the stop sign- is STOP!”

  4. 4 CafeSportyTC Feb 21st, 2013 at 11:13 am

    lmao this is great. I always find the best thing to do is admit when you f*cked up. the cop is nicer , you get it over with sooner and you move on with your day. you wouldn’t have gotten that damn ticket if you were doing the speed limit

  5. 5 USAYGO Feb 21st, 2013 at 12:17 pm


    God went to the Arabs and said,
    ‘I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.’

    The Arabs asked, ‘What are Commandments?’
    And the Lord said, ‘They are rules for living.’

    ‘Can you give us an example?’

    ‘Thou shall not kill.’

    ‘Not kill? We’re not interested..’

    So He went to the Blacks and said, ‘I have Commandments.’

    The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
    ‘Honor thy Father and Mother.’

    ‘Father? We don’t know who our fathers are.
    We’re not interested.’

    Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
    ‘I have Commandments.’

    The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said ‘Thou shall not steal.’

    ‘Not steal? We’re not interested.’

    Then He went to the French and said,
    ‘I have Commandments.’

    The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, ‘Thou shall not commit adultery.’

    ‘Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We’re not interested.’

    Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
    ‘I have Commandments..’

    ‘Commandments?’ They said, ‘How much are they?’

    ‘They’re free.’

    ‘We’ll take 10.’

    There. That, should piss off just about everybody…..

  6. 6 Iron Horse Feb 21st, 2013 at 7:29 pm


    I also agree with CafeSportyTC. Admitting you screwed up (assuming you really did), tends to make the whole thing a bit less of a hassle…IMHO.

  7. 7 Dogg Feb 21st, 2013 at 8:32 pm

    … Blue lights out’a the pitch black night…
    Lady deputy: “Why you going so fast?”
    Dumb-ass me: “Cause I didn’t see ya.”
    Lady deputy: “LOL”

    Free Pass!

  8. 8 Delskee Feb 22nd, 2013 at 3:30 am

    A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde’s driver’s license.
    The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, “What does a driver’s license look like?”
    Irritated, the blonde cop said, “You dummy, it’s got your picture on it!”
    The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, “Aha! This must be my driver’s license” and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
    The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, “You’re free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this.”

  9. 9 Ken Glenn Feb 22nd, 2013 at 10:21 am

    One day on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
    Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”
    She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. …She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: “Happy Birthday!” I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. 10 USAYGO Feb 22nd, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
    funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
    man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
    pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar
    with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,
    I didn’t stop for directions.
    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
    gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
    diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
    I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
    side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
    place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
    I played
    out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
    I played like
    I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
    And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept,
    I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes
    and started for my car.
    Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
    “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in
    septic tanks for twenty years.”
    Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing

  11. 11 Olive Oil Feb 22nd, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week
    vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
    Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain
    announces: “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have
    some very bad news.
    Our engines have ceased functioning and we will
    attempt an emergency landing.
    Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we
    should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds
    are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on
    the island for the rest of our lives!”
    Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely
    on the island.
    An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,
    “Esther, did we pay our Visa and MasterCard bill yet?”
    “No, sweetheart,” she responds.
    Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
    “Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”
    “Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.
    “One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the
    income tax cheque to Revenue Canada this month?” he asks.
    “Oh, forgive me, Abe,” begged Esther. “I didn’t send
    that one, either.”
    Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
    Esther pulls away and asks him, “What was that for?”

    Abe answers, “They’ll find us!”

  12. 12 Olive Oil Feb 22nd, 2013 at 6:00 pm

    An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

    When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
    “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

    The old man just groaned but didn’t budge.
    The usher became more impatient.
    “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”

    Once again, the old man just groaned.
    The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he
    returned with the manager.
    Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled
    man, but with no success.
    Finally they summoned the police.

    The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right
    buddy what’s your name?”
    “Fred,” the old man moaned.
    “Where ya from, Fred?” asked the police officer.

    With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred

    … “The balcony.”

  13. 13 Olive Oil Feb 22nd, 2013 at 6:02 pm

    A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’

    The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’

    The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’

    The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again.For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box ..’

    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

    He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’

    The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’

  14. 14 Olive Oil Feb 22nd, 2013 at 6:03 pm

    There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

    The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.”

    The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times..”

    The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.”

    The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”

    The priest said, “No, but it will wipe that smile off your face.”

  15. 15 Olive Oil Feb 22nd, 2013 at 6:04 pm

    An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
    As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.
    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
    While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
    Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
    As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
    ‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

    He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’

  16. 16 Olive Oil Feb 22nd, 2013 at 6:05 pm

    An American tourist in a small village he was visiting in Newfoundland approached a local person and asked, “What’s the quickest way to Marystown?”

    The local scratched his head. “Are ya walkin or drivin?” he asked the stranger.
    “I’m driving,” said the stranger.
    The local replied, “That’s the quickest way.”

  17. 17 Olive Oil Feb 22nd, 2013 at 6:06 pm

    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

    Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

    The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

    At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
    The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

    That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

    “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”

    The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated.
    The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

    10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

    Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, ‘I had no idea you were this religious..’

    The boy turns, and whispers back, ‘I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.’

  18. 18 Jeff Nicklus Feb 25th, 2013 at 4:30 pm

    After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, ‘Well, then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!’

    The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ‘Well, little lady, why don’t you go give it a try?’

    The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

    He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

    Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde struggled with the gator.

    Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration . . .

    “Sonofabitch!! THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO!”

    Over & Out,


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Cyril Huze