Joke Of The Week

cyril-huze-joke44An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.  His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night to be getting home is this?” “Where have you been?” “Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it.” And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.  The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. “They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said.

He whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?”

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14 Responses to “Joke Of The Week”


  1. 1 USAYGO Apr 18th, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    An 80-year-old man was requested by his
    Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
    exam.

    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take
    this jar home and bring back a semen sample
    tomorrow.’

    The next day the 80-year-old man reappeared
    at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar,
    which was as clean and empty as on the
    previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the man
    explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried
    with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
    with my left hand, but still nothing.

    ‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
    her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
    She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
    then with her teeth out, still nothing.

    ‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
    and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
    armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between
    her knees, but still nothing…..’

    The doctor was shocked!
    ‘You asked your neighbor?’

    The old man replied,
    ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’

  2. 2 fuji Apr 19th, 2013 at 7:10 am

    Ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts

    The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

    CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.

    The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

    He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”

    The young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”

    The CEO said, “Wait right here.” He walked back to his office, came back
    in two minutes,

    Handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said,

    “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

    CEO looked around the room and asked,

    Tell me what that goof-ball did here?”

    From across the room a voice said, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”

  3. 3 Olive Oil Apr 19th, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    FARTING AT TIFFANY’S
    A LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY’S
    .. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT…

    AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS…

    VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED HER LITTLE WHOOPS AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR..

    AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES
    IN THE FORM OF A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER..

    GOOD LOOKING AS WELL .. COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE TIFFANY’S…

    HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, ‘GOOD DAY, MADAM .. HOW MAY WE HELP YOU TODAY???

    BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE ‘INCIDENT’, SHE ASKS, ‘SIR, WHAT IS THE PRICE OF THIS LOVELY BRACELET ??’

    HE ANSWERS, “MADAM .. IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT – YOU’RE GOING TO SHIT WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE ..”

  4. 4 Olive Oil Apr 19th, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield. Because he said ….

    My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

    It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

    Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

    A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!

    A hooker once told me she had a headache.

    I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

    If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

    I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’

    I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

    I knew a girl so ugly… they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

    My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

    I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

    The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’

    My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

    I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

    My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

    My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.

    My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

  5. 5 Olive Oil Apr 19th, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their ‘wee-wees’ to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, ‘You must be in the 5th grade.’
    ‘No, ma’am’, he replied. ‘I’m riding Silver Arrow in the sev

  6. 6 Olive Oil Apr 19th, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    A little old man shuffled slowly into the ‘Orange Dipper,’ an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
    The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”
    “No,” he replied, “hemorrhoids.”

  7. 7 Olive Oil Apr 19th, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to his doctor in Estero to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. After a couple of days, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
    “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma’ and ‘be cheerful’,” Morris replied. To which the doctor replied, “I didn’t say that, Morris. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur, be careful!’”

  8. 8 Olive Oil Apr 19th, 2013 at 2:26 pm

    A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
    “Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
    “Twelve thirty.”

  9. 9 Olive Oil Apr 19th, 2013 at 2:26 pm

    A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.
    A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
    After a few moments, the woman asks, “Are you a stranger here?”
    He replies, “I lived here years ago.”
    “So, where were you all these years?”
    “In prison,” he says.
    “Why did they put you in prison?”
    He looks at her, and very quietly says, “I killed my wife.”
    “Oh!” said the woman. “So you’re single…?!”

  10. 10 Olive Oil Apr 19th, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs doing nothing.
    One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?”
    The other replies, “Oh, sure I do.”
    The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”
    The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
    After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”

  11. 11 Olive Oil Apr 19th, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut
    and he tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his
    cheeks are wrinkled from age.

    The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells
    the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

    When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the
    cleanest shave he’s had in years.

    But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had
    swallowed that little ball.

    The barber replied,” Just bring it back in a couple of days
    like everyone else does”.

  12. 12 Olive Oil Apr 19th, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.

    The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. “I can’t stand this,” said the man tossing the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men. “Hold it, hold it,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with all this digging and refilling?” “Well, we work for the government and we’re just doing our job,” one of the men said.

    “But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the taxpayers’ money?” “You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. Elmer’s job’s been cut … so now it’s just me an’ Leroy

  13. 13 Olive Oil Apr 19th, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it.

    A ‘heads up’ for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe’s, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.

    Here’s how the scam works; Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It’s impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ but instead ask for a ride to McDonald’s.

    You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

    I had my wallet stolen Dec. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Jan.
    1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

  14. 14 USAYGO Apr 22nd, 2013 at 11:04 am

    When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, but I was
    Confused by the entrance exam.
    The deciding question was, “Re-arrange the letters P N E S I to
    Spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when
    Erect.”
    Those who spelled SPINE became doctors.
    The rest are in Congress.

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