A lady helps her husband install a new computer. Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye. He selects a word: mypenis.
As he hits “enter”, to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!! The computer had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
Best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.
The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.
This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics – no go.
Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives – thumbs down again.
Then came Minds and Behinds – still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes – unacceptable again!
So they tried Nuts and Butts – no way. Freaks and Cheeks – still no good. Loons and Moons – forget it. Almost at their wit’s end, the docs finally came up with:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones – Specializing in Odds and Ends.
What do you call female viagra? jewelry
“I think we should go dutch” a women told her date.
“you pay for dinner and a movie, and
the rest of the night can be on me.”
Ha, ha, ha.
Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man.
“You always feel like you have to pee, and most of the time
you stand there and nothing comes out.”
“Ah, that’s nothin,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy,
you don’t have bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat
bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”
“Actually,” said the 80-year -old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing, too?” asked the 60-year old.
“No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a
flat rock — no problem at all.”
“So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?”
“No, I have one every morning at 6:30.”
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, “You pee every morning
at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so bad about
being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his
old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of a coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked, Are you a real pilot?
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans,
then the early Grummans… Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII,
and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars.
I’ve taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds,
so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about
naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about
naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When
I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything
makes me think of naked women..’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the
old pilot and asked: “are you a real pilot?”
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian..’
A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells
him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to
ask you a few questions. “He gets her name, address,
Social Security number, etc. And then asks, “What’s
your occupation?”
“I’m a Lady of the night,” she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, ” Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.
“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.”
“Chicken Farmer it is.”