Jokes Of The Week. Paraprosdokians.

cyril-huze-joke44Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a form of syllepsis. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Syllepsis#Syllepsis

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit… Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure..

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Zipper's

13 Responses to “Jokes Of The Week. Paraprosdokians.”


  1. 1 fuji. May 2nd, 2013 at 9:19 am

    the best so far. funny and true.

  2. 2 USAYGO May 2nd, 2013 at 10:14 am

    Q: What Is An Australian Kiss?
    A: It’s the same as a French kiss, but Down-Under.

    Q: What Do You Do With 365 Used Condoms?
    A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

    Q: Why Were Hurricanes Normally Named After Women?
    A: Because when they come, they’re wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

    Q: Why Do Girls Rub Their Eyes When They Get Up In The Morning?
    A: Because they don’t have any balls to scratch.

    Q: What Is A Man’s Ultimate Embarrassment?
    A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

    Nominated as the world’s best short joke:

    A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. “Mom,” he asked, “are these my brains?” “Not yet,” she replied.

  3. 3 Morty May 3rd, 2013 at 6:29 am

    Here’s another one: I’m not fuckin stupid, but I used to..

  4. 4 USAYGO May 3rd, 2013 at 9:58 am

    Lance Armstrong

    I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my frig’n bike.

    Drive By

    A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!

    SCAM

    Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes”. Turns out it’s about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don’t get scammed.

    Pregnant Prostitute

    Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, “do you know who the father is?” The prostitute said, “if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?”

    Sex Research:

    If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome!

  5. 5 McGillicutty May 3rd, 2013 at 11:33 am

    My neighbor banged on my door at 2:30 a.m. this morning; can you believe that … 2:30 AM?
    Lucky for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
    ======

    I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she ever laid her hands on.
    I said, “You’re pulling my leg.”
    ======

    I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!!
    At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.
    ======

    Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until the Doc stuck his index finger up my ass!
    Do you think I should change dentists?
    ======

    Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite –
    All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
    ======

    I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.
    Apparently a turban, beard and bomber jacket wasn’t what they had in mind.
    ======

    My wife has been missing a week now. The police said I should prepare for the worst.
    So, I moved.
    ======

    A wife says to her husband “I’m tired of you always pushing me around and talking behind my back.”
    He relied; “What do you expect? You’re in a goddamn wheelchair!”
    ======

    My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
    I said “Son, thrown out again? That’s 3 schools this year!
    You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”
    ======

    I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children’s-oriented iPod after realizing that “iTouch Kids” is not a good product name.
    ======

    Survey Question asked at a Mall:
    Are there too many immigrants in America ?
    17% said yes;
    11% said No;
    72% said “me no speaka engleeese senor.”.
    ======

    I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
    Yup, I converted to Islam; we’ll be stoning her in the morning!
    ======

    My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker.
    Well… she’s not exactly my girlfriend ….. yet.
    ======

    Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pervert, pedophile!”and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50. I mean Jeez,
    It completely spoiled our 10th Anniversary.
    ======

    Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend …
    Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy and Sensible.
    Or in other words ……….. B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

  6. 6 Olive Oil May 3rd, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

    Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

    After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said ‘I need to get up and get a Coke.’

    ‘Don’t get up,’ said the Marine ‘I’m in the aisle seat, ‘I’ll get it for you.’

    As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine’s shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, ‘That looks good. I’d really like one too.’ Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

    While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine’s other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

    As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, ‘Why does it have to be this way?’

    ‘How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?’

  7. 7 Olive Oil May 3rd, 2013 at 1:59 pm

    A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, ‘About 2 hours.’

    The guy left.

    A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?’ The barber looked around at the shop and said, ‘About 3 hours.’

    The guy left.

    A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop and said, ‘About an hour and a half.

    The guy left.

    The barber turned to his friend and said, ‘Hey, Bob, do me a favour follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.

    A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

    The barber asked, ‘So, where does he go when he leaves?’

    Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, ‘Your house!

  8. 8 Olive Oil May 3rd, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    The FBI had an opening for an
    assassin.

    After all the background checks,
    interviews And testing were done, there were 3
    finalists; Two men and a woman.

    For the
    final test, the FBI agents took one of The
    men to a large metal door and handed Him a
    gun.

    ‘We must know that you will follow
    your Instructions no matter what the
    circumstances.

    Inside the room you will
    find your

    wife sitting

    In a chair
    …. Kill her!!’

    The man said, ‘You can’t
    be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.’

    The agent
    said, ‘Then you’re not the right man For this job. Take your wife and
    go home.’

    The second man was given the same
    instructions. He took the gun and went into the
    room. All was Quiet for

    about
    5

    minutes.

    The man came out with
    tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, But I can’t kill my
    wife.’ The agent said, ‘You don’t Have what it
    takes. Take your wife and go
    home.’

    Finally, it was the woman’s
    turn. She was given the Same instructions, to kill
    her husband. She took the Gun and went into the
    room. Shots were heard, one After
    another. They heard screaming,
    crashing, Banging on the walls.. After a few
    minutes, all was Quiet. The door opened slowly and
    there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her
    brow.

    ‘This gun is loaded with blanks’ she
    said. ‘I had to kill him with the chair!

  9. 9 Olive Oil May 3rd, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    The son of an immigrant asks his dad,

    “Dad, what’s democracy?”

    “Well, son, that’s when Canadians work and we

    get all the benefits from it!”

    “But Dad, aren’t the Canadian people unhappy

    about that?”

    “Sure they are son, but that’s called ‘racism.”

  10. 10 Olive Oil May 3rd, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
    On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
    Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
    The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”
    “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”

  11. 11 Olive Oil May 3rd, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    A man had two of the best tickets for the Augusta Masters…

    As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him..

    “No”, he says, “the seat is empty.”

    “This is incredible!” said the man, “who in their right mind would have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not use it?”

    He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Masters we haven’t been
    together since we got married.”

    “Oh… I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. I guess you couldn’t find someone else?.. a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?”

    The man shakes his head…

    ….”No. They’re all at her funeral.

  12. 12 Olive Oil May 3rd, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.

    As they talked, the Iranian said, “I have just one question about what I have seen in America.”

    The General said, “Well, anything I can do to help?”

    The Iranian whispered, “My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is… Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn’t understand why there aren’t any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek.”

    The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, “That’s because it takes place in the future…”

  13. 13 rebel May 3rd, 2013 at 4:19 pm

    my kind of future…not that there’s anything wrong with that…

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