Joke Of The Week

cyril-huze-joke44Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married:

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., (a bit loaded), I headed for home. Just …………as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table.

Zipper's

8 Responses to “Joke Of The Week”


  1. 1 madddog May 24th, 2013 at 10:28 am

    Thats a good one.

  2. 2 Jeff Nicklus May 24th, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    Crow Mystery Solved.

    Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

    However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

    MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

    The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

    The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say “Cah”, none could say “Truck”.

    Over & Out,

    Jeff

  3. 3 Olive Oil May 24th, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    A very successful attorney parked his brand new Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver’s door.

    Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Bentley with his …lights flashing.

    Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Bentley, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

    After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.”

    “How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer
    The cop replied, “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!”

    “OH, MY GOD!!!” screamed the lawyer.

    “My Rolex!”

  4. 4 Olive Oil May 24th, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a yarmulke, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair. He doesn’t have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So he shouts over to the bartender loudly enough that everyone can hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there”.

    Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, “Thank you!” in an equally loud voice.

    This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, “Thank you!”

    The Arab asks the bartender, “What’s the hell is the matter with that Jew? I’ve ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him and all he does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?”

    “Nope,” replies the bartender. “He owns the place.”

  5. 5 Olive Oil May 24th, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa’s room. “Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly, “as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”

    “What?” said her Grandpa.

    “Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney World!”

  6. 6 Olive Oil May 24th, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    My wife had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while

    Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take
    care of another matter.

    She came in and undressed to take a shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry clear epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

    About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.

    We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.

    Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

    The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

    She tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.”

    The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them……

    I just never saw one mounted and framed.”

  7. 7 Olive Oil May 24th, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.

    Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom I have someone for you to meet.”

    Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont . Their first night there, she undressed as he did, and there she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

    Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?”

    She replied: “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.”

    He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same—-she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit again—-but this time he was wearing a black condom .

    She looked at him and asked: “What’s with the black condom?”

    He replied, “I Want to offer my deepest condolences.

  8. 8 McGillicutty May 24th, 2013 at 4:44 pm

    Why Men Are Seldom Depressed = Men Are Just Happier People

    What do you expect from such simple creatures?

    Your last name stays put.

    The garage is all yours.

    Wedding plans take care of themselves.

    Chocolate is just another snack..

    You can never be pregnant.

    You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

    You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

    Car mechanics tell you the truth.

    The world is your urinal.

    You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

    You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

    Same work, more pay..

    Wrinkles add character.

    Wedding dress $5000 .. Tux rental-$100 ..

    People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

    New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

    One mood all the time.

    Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

    You know stuff about tanks.

    A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

    You can open all your own jars.

    You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

    If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

    Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

    Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

    You almost never have strap problems in public.

    You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

    Everything on your face stays its original color.

    The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

    You only have to shave your face and neck.

    You can play with toys all your life.

    One wallet and one pair of shoes in one color for all seasons.

    You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

    You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.

    You don’t have to worry about growing a mustache.

    You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.

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