Joke Of The Week

cyril-huze-joke44One day at the bakery…

A Jew and an Arab meet into a bakery. The Arab steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the Jew, “See how good I am?  The owner didn’t see anything!”

The Jew says to the Arab, “I am going to show you there is nobody better than a Jew.” He goes to the owner and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.”

Intrigued, the owner accepts and give him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and ask for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for another one and swallows it. The owner is starting to wonder what the magic trick is and says, “What is the trick, Where are the pastries?” The Jew answers, “Look in the Arab’s pocket.”

Zipper's

6 Responses to “Joke Of The Week”


  1. 1 McGillicutty Jun 12th, 2013 at 10:15 am

    IF THEY ONLY HAD A JEWISH MOTHER:

    MONA LISA’S JEWISH MOTHER:
    “After all the money your father and I spent on braces, THIS you call a smile?”

    CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS’ JEWISH MOTHER:
    “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you didn’t call, you didn’t write.”

    MICHELANGELO’S JEWISH MOTHER:
    “A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like all the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?”

    NAPOLEON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
    “You’re not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket right now and show me!”

    ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S JEWISH MOTHER:
    “Again with that tall hat Abbie! Why can’t you wear a yamaka like the other kids?”

    GEORGE WASHINGTON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
    “Next time I catch you throwing shekels across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

    ALBERT EINSTEIN’S JEWISH MOTHER:
    “Your senior year photograph and you couldn’t have done something with your hair?”

    MOSES’ JEWISH MOTHER:
    “Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?”

    BILL GATES’ JEWISH MOTHER:
    “Internet shminternet – It would have killed you to become a Doctor?”

    BILL CLINTON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
    “What’s a nice Jewish girl, that Monica, doing with that goy anyway?

  2. 2 Olive Oil Jun 13th, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week’s shore leave. The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

    “Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance.

    They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point:No Jews please.”

    Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:

    Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers .

    One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.

    The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.

    The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.

    Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship’s doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .

    Upon receiving this letter, Melinda’s mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

    At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda’s mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Black officers.

    Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, “There must be some mistake.”

    “No, Madam,” said the first officer. “Captain GOLDBERG never makes mistakes.”

  3. 3 Olive Oil Jun 13th, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    A jewish girl brings her boy friend home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father, a business tycoon, to find out about the young man. He invites the boy to his study for a chat.
    “So what are your plans?” the father asks the boy.

    “I am an religious scholar and want to marry your daughter” he replies.
    “A scholar,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”
    “I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”
    “And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.
    “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”
    “And if you are blessed with children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”
    “Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the boy.
    The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the boy insists that God will provide.
    Later, the mother asks, “So, How did it go?”
    The father answers, “Oy, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I’m God.”

  4. 4 Olive Oil Jun 13th, 2013 at 1:51 pm

    THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

    The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The
    only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
    the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he
    couldn’t find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

    Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West
    Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli
    soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight
    into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

    KABOOM!

    He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

    KA-BLOOEY!

    Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

    BULLS-EYE!

    “I’ve got to get this guy!” Coach said to himself. “He has the perfect
    arm!”

    So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
    football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

    The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the
    coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his
    mother.

    “Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”

    “I don’t want to talk to you, the old woman says. “You are not my son!”

    “I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won
    the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of
    my adoring fans.”

    “No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there
    are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
    two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
    have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!” The
    old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,……….

    “I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

  5. 5 Olive Oil Jun 13th, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    “It Happened in Shul”

    A Rabbi approaches a guest in Shul and says,
    “I’d like to give you an Aliyah. What is your
    name?”

    The man answers, “Esther ben Moshe.”

    The Rabbi says, “No, I need YOUR name.”

    “It’s Esther ben Moshe,” the man says.

    “How can that be your name?” asks the Rabbi.

    The man answers, “I’ve been having financial
    problems, so everything now is in my wife’s
    name.”

  6. 6 Olive Oil Jun 13th, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    Towards the end of the golf course, Tom hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch..

    All of a sudden… POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

    Just for doing what you have done, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still, you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you’ll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!”

    Then POOF! … She was gone!

    After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, “Fred, where are you?”

    Fred yells back, “I’m over here in the pussy willows.”

    Tom shouts back, ‘DON’T SWING FRED; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T SWING!!!’

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