Joke Of The Week

cyril-huze-joke44A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.   The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.  He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
 
The bartender looked at the guy and said, “Did you see what your Monkey just did?” “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table…whole!” “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “he eats everything in sight, don’t worry, I’ll pay for the cue ball.” The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.
 
Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him.   He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar.   He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it. Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it. 
 
The bartender asked, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” “No, what?” replied the man. “Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!” “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy.  “He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first.”

Zipper's

7 Responses to “Joke Of The Week”


  1. 1 chopmonster66 Jul 16th, 2013 at 8:18 am

    THAT IS SOME FUNNY SHIT!!!

  2. 2 USAYGO Jul 16th, 2013 at 10:53 am

    A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
    She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

    Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

    She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

    He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

    For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well

    Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

    One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand.

    Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

    She quietly called him over to her. “Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.

    Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.”

    He did as she asked, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.”

    He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

    “Now take off my skirt.”

    He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

    “Now take off my bra.” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

    Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”

  3. 3 USAYGO Jul 16th, 2013 at 11:04 am

    The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

    The Pope leans towards President Obama and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!”

    Obama replied, “I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand….Show me!”
    So, the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

    AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!

    Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

  4. 4 THHN Jul 16th, 2013 at 2:52 pm

    Truck Driver..

    I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business
    patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no
    on-coming traffic.

    A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American
    slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of
    their car and a “Remember 9-11” slogan spray painted on the side, was
    stopped next to me.
    Suddenly they yelled, “AllahuAkbar! Praise Allah!” and took off before
    the light changed.
    Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and
    ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone
    in it.
    For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, “Man….that
    could have been me!”

    So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

  5. 5 Olive Oil Jul 17th, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    The difference in men:

    The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

    The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes”.

    The Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat). We made love, and she screamed for over six hours.”

    The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They asked, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?”

    The Jewish man says, “I wiped my hands on the bedspread!!!”

  6. 6 Olive Oil Jul 17th, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    Senior Wedding
    Jacob, age 81 and Rebecca, age 80, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
    Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
    “Are you the owner?”
    The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
    Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
    Pharmacist: “Of course, we do.”
    Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
    Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
    Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
    Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
    Jacob: “How about suppositories?”
    Pharmacist: “You bet!”
    Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”
    Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The Works.”
    Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
    Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
    Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
    Pharmacist: “We sure do.”
    Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
    Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
    Jacob: “Adult diapers?”
    Pharmacist: “Sure.”
    Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”

  7. 7 nicker Jul 23rd, 2013 at 10:23 pm

    While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon
    another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
    Seeing this he inquired, ‘Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?’
    ‘I’m listening to the music of the tree,’ the other man replied.
    ‘You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me.’
    ‘No, would you like to give it a try?’
    Understandably curious, the man says, ‘Well, OK…’
    So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
    With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet,
    jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
    Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed
    to the tree stark naked, and asked, ‘What the heck happened to you?’
    He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
    When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy,
    walked around behind him, kissed him gently on the neck and said,
    ‘This ain’t gonna be your day, Cupcake…’

    -nicker-

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