Joke Of The Week

cyril-huze-joke44A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.  She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.  Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am. ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’  The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
 
Now she’s feeling really good about herself.  She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going.  Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.  It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra … Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.  She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.  He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’
 
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you at McDonalds.’

4 Responses to “Joke Of The Week”


  1. 1 fuji Apr 5th, 2014 at 7:59 pm

    I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. I said, “Thyroid problem?”

  2. 2 Magnet Man Apr 6th, 2014 at 7:14 am

    Ha, A good on, indeed!

  3. 3 USAYGO Apr 8th, 2014 at 2:13 pm

    WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

    A drunk man who smelled of
    beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

    The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered
    with red lipstick, and a half-empty
    bottle of gin was sticking out of his
    torn coat pocket. He opened his
    newspaper and began reading.

    After a few minutes the man turned to
    the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes
    arthritis?”

    The priest replies, “My Son, it’s
    caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
    too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
    sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”

    The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned”,
    Then returned to his paper.

    The priest, thinking about what he had said,
    nudged the man and apologized. “I’m
    very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong.
    How long have you had arthritis?”

    The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father.
    I was just reading here that the
    Pope does.”

  4. 4 nicker Apr 13th, 2014 at 8:01 pm

    At a sales conference there ensued a discussion over the best recorded sales effort ever executed.
    The undisputed winner was a biker who got up and said:

    “…the time i came home drunk with lipstick smeared all over my shirt collar, and then managed to get my wife to apologist for not washing my shirt properly…”

    -nicker-

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Cyril Huze