In Praise Of the Biker Chick

colleenswartz1By Colleen Swartz, Motorcycle Writer/Photographer at Digital Magic Shots

What I have noticed over the years is that there are all kinds of women but only certain ones deserve the title of “biker chick”.  Let me run through my experience with some categories of women that I come across.

1) Desperate Housewife:  This woman has recently purchased a new pair of pink cowboy boots with ridiculous heels which would render her completely unable to ride a bike or walk more than 3 blocks but they do match her recently purchased chaps and rhinestone studded pink cowboy hat.  She does not ride with her husband to the rally, but rather flies in once he has gotten to the destination.  She hates the heat and the dust which continually gets stuck in her layers of thick pink lipstick but she wouldn’t miss the rally for the world because she must keep her eye on her husband lest he have some fun while he is away.  She often looks at distain in the direction of the “biker chick” who is sitting on her old man’s knee, drinking a beer and flashing her tits at his friends.  When I ask her husband if he would like to bring his bike up on stage to shoot with his wife or my models, he shoots a sheepish look towards his Desperate Housewife and mutters that she would divorce him if he ever got his photo taken with a pretty girl.  So I ask her if she would like to pose on her husband’s bike for him and she usually goes into some sort of feminist rant about how she cannot conceive how evil I am for exploiting these young girls in such a blatant manner and how can I live with myself and oh, by the way, she doesn’t think that they are that pretty anyway.

2) Aftermarket Woman:  This can be a wife or a girlfriend or both.  She is generally in her 40’s or 50’s and is sharing one hell of a mid life crisis with a man who is probably going through one of his own judging from the $45,000 chopper he just bought.  She has gotten her lips, tits, thighs and ass done and she is feeling good about it.  Her husband/boyfriend adores her and loves throwing money around.  She may not shoot with us the first night she sees us, but she comes back dressed to kill the next chance she gets and she poses on her husband’s bike (often topless to the trill of the crowd and her significant other).  She poses with the models and her husband.  She may even do a costume change or two.  She is fun and lively and confident and the center of attention and she loves every second of it.  She is cool but she doesn’t ride her own, she doesn’t camp, she doesn’t do day rides (too hard on the hairdo) and she definitely doesn’t act anything like this when she is at home.

3) The Rosanne Barr Woman:  Just picture her.  She is overweight and hates it.  She isn’t happy and won’t let anyone else be either.  She hates us because she hates everyone especially those who are fun and young and pretty.  She scowls at us and drags her poor, unhappy husband past us as quickly as possible and watches his face to make sure he isn’t looking.  I don’t know what to say to her.  I want to tell her that she is pretty and accepted but she can’t get past herself to believe it anyway, so why bother?

4) Arm Candy:  These women are all ages, the only determining factor is that they are usually at least 15 years younger than man that they are with.  They don’t say much and hover nearby their significant other letting them be the life of the party.  They will gladly pose on the platform if asked by their husband/boyfriend but are somewhat self conscious and reserved.

5)  Cool Wife/Girlfriend:  These women are the best!  They have come to a new place with their significant others for them to have a good time.  They drag their men up on stage to pose with the models.  She doesn’t need or want to be in the shots (ok, maybe one or two) but the focus is on making sure their men have the time of their lives.  They reach in their pocketbooks to tip the models and they encourage them to do crazy and sexy poses with their men.  They laugh and enjoy watching their men turn red on stage and they revel in the photos when they are done.  They love the good, clean fun that we provide because they are not stupid and they know what kind of trouble men are apt to get into so they take full advantage of this opportunity to be, well, cool.  They come in all shapes and sizes and ages and they are the women who will always be invited back to future rallies by their husbands and his friends.  Every woman should take a lesson from these chicks.  They are cool.

6) Biker Chicks:  Here is the pinacle of the female food chain.  Biker chicks cannot easily be identified at Myrtle Beach or Daytona or even Sturgis.  But where these girls really shine are at the out-of-the-way rallies across the country.  They ride their own to the rally or ride the whole way on the back of their old man’s bike.  They carry a bandana, knife, flask and electrical tape.  They don’t pack a lot of crap and they hang with the boys seamlessly.  They are willing to camp out, shower under a garden hose, piss in a bush, get rained on, have a farmer tan, cuss like a sailor and drink like a Kennedy.  They love tattoos, long hair, beer and loud music.  They are adored by their old man and his friends and misunderstood by most other women.  They are faithful and kind and fun and resourceful.  When they get home from the rally they are exactly the same person as they were out on the road.  They don’t lie or put on airs, they don’t shy away from hard work or hard play.  They know more men than women and they like it that way.  They are mothers and wives and they are young and old.  They are the salt of the earth and every one of them is beautiful.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that every woman fits into one of these categories, not at all!  I’m not even sure where I land in the whole line-up!  I just know that a good woman is a blessing to all who are fortunate enough to be around her and it doesn’t matter your age or your size, it is dependent on your attitude.  Nothing is more important than treating your life like the adventure that it is and living each day like a Biker Chick! And that is how I see it, From Behind The Lens. Colleen Swartz

Zipper's

21 Responses to “In Praise Of the Biker Chick”


  1. 1 Fluke Jul 14th, 2009 at 11:23 am

    I have no idea where I fit into that list either. I got into building bikes because I wanted to make something, to meld both the artistic and logical halves of my personality into a single project.

    Usable art.

    My current project is a radical Eaton M45 superchargered 117 with home built frame engine and gearbox, but I ride a Honda V4 most of the time because of its reliability and have a Smart car because i think it is cute. I love my Blahniks and Miller TIG welder equally . I don’t do biker rallies or hang much with other bikers. I get on equally well with both men and women, beggers and royalty, and am as comfortable in the company of all. I love camping and hiking, but I also appreciate the charm of a 4 star hotel. I have had my boobs done, but I have heavy callouses on my hands from work.

    I am defined by who I am, not how my behavior relates to the man in my life… which is how most of the that list comes out.

  2. 2 Jenna Jul 14th, 2009 at 4:58 pm

    Would like to read same about men.

  3. 3 nicker Jul 14th, 2009 at 8:54 pm

    Fluke,

    RE:
    “…I am, not how my behavior relates to the man in my life… which is how most of the that list comes out…”

    Spot On…!
    The essence of “Biker” is defining who you are by what you know and what you can do, no by who ya hang with.

    And you only have to justify what you build to yourself.

    -nicker-
    (got an Eaton blower for my-own project, with scratch built tranny)

  4. 4 Roadside Marty Jul 14th, 2009 at 10:37 pm

    Leave it to Colleen to hit it pretty much on the mark! It’s actually quite funny because I myself have been with every type of woman on that list..those of you who know me are probably laughing your asses off but you know it’s true!! Great job Colleen I can always count on you to make me smile!!!

  5. 5 Fluke Jul 15th, 2009 at 1:12 am

    Nicker, “got an Eaton blower for my-own project, with scratch built tranny”

    I would be interested in your experiences of getting the blower set up. I am driving my blower from the LSD clutch hub, running it as blow through set up with dual dellorto 44 carbs under the tank, 9.8ish compression ratio and using a liquid filled charge cooler masquerading as the chassis backbone, with the necessary cooling provided by a radiator sat between the down tubes ( I know, a Harley with H²0 in it is pretty wierd).

  6. 6 Rock Star Jul 15th, 2009 at 8:01 am

    the whole “Biker” lifestyle is so… pathetic.

    be a motorcyclist. go ride. F the rest.

  7. 7 divercal Jul 15th, 2009 at 8:19 am

    Rock Star Nailed It
    I’ll throw my 2 cents in anyway…
    Why praise any particular type….who cares….be yourself and stop sweating the rest….

  8. 8 Colleen Swartz Jul 15th, 2009 at 10:37 am

    Well all, I appreciate all the comments. The idea of doing the same type of article on men is great! I think I will have to write that one!

    As far as not caring about any particular type… I disagree. A big part of the motorcycle experience is what happens before, after and during the ride. You all have been affected by those you meet along the way, or you aren’t really “out there”. Besides, these are just my simple observations from where I come from…. maybe I’m not a hard-core biker, but I am a person who is facinated by others. I don’t know how else to be.

    Thanks for running this Cyril!

  9. 9 David Jul 15th, 2009 at 11:45 am

    Fluke, How about some pictures? I would ride,camp or pose for Colleen any day!!! Just give me a ring…..David

  10. 10 Rodent Jul 15th, 2009 at 12:27 pm

    Colleen, you hit the nail on the head, now don’t go pissing of the male riders as they still are the dominate biker

  11. 11 Grayhawk Jul 15th, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    Never underestimate nor fail to acknowledge the power and talents of the Ladies on and off the Rolling Road.

    Good to see these postings highlighting some of the Photo Imaging Talents/Publishing Skills and Tales and the many Contributions the Ladies have brought to the sport and industry.
    Well deserved exposure. Contributes all

    One learns a different meaning of a heavy handed women when she gives ya a slight glance/grin then hangs the throttle and blows by ya. Have fun all.

    Regards

    Grayhawk

  12. 12 Me.... Jul 15th, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    Eh…piss off the male bikers 🙂 … if they were “bikers” they wouldn’t give a rats a$$ in the first place…and if they were male versions of some of the chicks listed – they wouldn’t be reading this to piss off 🙂 – so win/win.
    LOVE your article Colleen. Thumbs up!!

    Me

  13. 13 Rogue Jul 16th, 2009 at 6:59 am

    And all that is part of why you are so good at what you do and myself and so many others Love Ya!
    Looking forward to seeing you in Sturgis.

  14. 14 Vette Jul 18th, 2009 at 8:35 am

    I gut laughed when I read this! It is so true! And even more funny is that I see a little of myself in five out the the six categories spoken about.

    But this article also makes us think about the women we know in those categories, the image we ourselves project, and all the ways we strive to differ from the typical mindset people have about “bikers”.

    I look forward to Daytona so we can chat more on this, Colleen! Great Topic with exacting detail, really enjoyed it!

  15. 15 nicker Jul 19th, 2009 at 3:15 pm

    Fluke,

    Sorry, missed this one.

    Didn’t have an option for the blower drive.

    This is more a design (and machining capability) exercise for me.
    The objective, to create the image of a two wheeled AA/Fuel Altered.
    (basically, an unmanageable, way overpowered, pee-in-your-pants-just-look-n-at-it deal)

    So the blower has to sit on top with exposed pulley system in front.
    (but getting a workable drive ratio will be much easier)

    To get that old “Endril Bug Catcher” injection look, the plan is to set two webbers next to each other, facing forward.

    Since it’s not a V-twin ( it’s a flat air-cooled 4), it is probably of no interest to you.
    But if ya do want to swap info, get my E-mail address from Cyril.
    Just put “Viscous Cycle” in the heading so is don’t miss it.

    -nicker-

  16. 16 EBass Jul 20th, 2009 at 11:33 am

    Not sure where the “praise” came in. Seemed like a catty diss of every woman at a rally not named Colleen Swartz or anxious to make her job easier. Sounds a lot more like something written by some Montana doomsday militia type than an enlightened feminist examining the praise-worthy attributes of “biker chicks”.

    And what was it again that made the “Biker Chick” so special? The fact that you can keep her happy by feeding her beer as a dietary staple and when she “cusses like a sailor” that she needs to pee, you can just order her to go do her business in a bush like a dog and then hose her off afterwards in front of your buddies?

    Yeah, that’s the kind of mother I always wanted for my children.

    But what the hell do I know, I’m just a dude.

  17. 17 Fluke Jul 20th, 2009 at 11:59 am

    EBass, the praise comes in as a ” perfect” Biker Chick is what she can do for and how she interacts to her “man” , his male lifestyle and his men friends.

    Just an accessory. Not a person in her own right, or if she is, it isn’t praiseworthy enough to be mentioned in the article.

  18. 18 nicker Jul 20th, 2009 at 11:16 pm

    Biker:
    “I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
    I want — and I don’t expect any hassle from you.
    I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
    I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner.
    I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
    when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you
    give me a hard time about it.
    Those are my rules. Any comments?”

    Perfect Biker Chick:
    “No…… Just understand that there will be sex
    here at seven o’clock every night…whether you’re here or not.”

    -nicker- ……… 🙂

  19. 19 dragon Jul 24th, 2009 at 10:51 pm

    have seen all these woman at somtime or another at rallys

  20. 20 Colleen Jul 25th, 2009 at 1:20 am

    EBass Writes:
    “Not sure where the “praise” came in. Seemed like a catty diss of every woman at a rally not named Colleen Swartz or anxious to make her job easier. Sounds a lot more like something written by some Montana doomsday militia type than an enlightened feminist examining the praise-worthy attributes of “biker chicks”.
    And what was it again that made the “Biker Chick” so special? The fact that you can keep her happy by feeding her beer as a dietary staple and when she “cusses like a sailor” that she needs to pee, you can just order her to go do her business in a bush like a dog and then hose her off afterwards in front of your buddies?
    Yeah, that’s the kind of mother I always wanted for my children.
    But what the hell do I know, I’m just a dude.”

    Well, Ebass, while I will never disenfranchise anyone from having an opinion, including those who do not agree with me, I do have to take issue with many of your comments.

    You accuse me of being “catty” and I can assure you that I am not in the least. I pride myself on being inclusive to everyone I meet, if you knew me, I would hope that you would know that. For example, if I was catty, I would formulate an opinion about you even though I have never met you. I truly don’t think that would be fair, so I would never say…. Oh for example…. That you probably aren’t a very literate person because if you were, you would have read and understood my little story a whole lot better.

    You would have read, and processed the comment, “I want to tell her that she is pretty and accepted but she can’t get past herself to believe it” and taken that to mean that I am looking beyond the cool exterior and wanting to reach out to her.

    I would have also made the (probably) unfair assumption that you calling me a “Montana doomsday militia type” was nothing more than your reaction as a person who carries a “Madonna/Whore complex” himself. This would be further substantiated by your comment “That’s the kind of mother I always wanted for my children.”

    If I were that catty person whom you accuse me of, I would point out to you that women do have more goals, talents, wants, needs and experiences than being your wife and bearing your children. I know this may come as a shock to you, but we really aren’t out there just to get married and procreate. Most notably, get married and procreate with you.

    It is a damn good thing that I am not the person that you accuse me of being because if I were, I would most certainly point out that you completely missed the point of what makes a “biker chick” so cool. You point out the beer, the language, the peeing in a bush; what you appear to have missed were the meat of the point, it isn’t what they do but who they are that makes them special.

    But because I am who I am; I am not going to make these broad generalizations about you, especially in a public forum. I have read your comments and accept that we agree to disagree and I am certainly not going to let your harsh words make me feel bad about who I am, what I wrote or how I live. I have read all of the posts about this article and I am overjoyed by the comments of so many people who have read the piece and have “gotten it” because I know, and many others know, it was written in good humor and fun and as the title says, it was in “Praise of the Biker Chick”. That is enough for me.

    Besides, what the hell do you know? You’re just a dude.

  21. 21 Rick Nov 5th, 2010 at 8:48 pm

    LOL. Well done, Colleen. I think I love you.

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